A Fly on the Wall of the War Cabinet

This week, we managed to get in on a recent Trump cabinet meeting that we bring to you.

A Candid Interview with Kamala Harris

OK, so someone's got to ask this. Should President Biden have run?

Look! President Biden and I had one of the most successful presidencies. We achieved more in one term than most in two. We rescued the economy from what was handed to us by the Trump administration. We added 15 million jobs. We passed the Inflation Reduction Act with massive incentives for clean tech. We lowered drug prices for seniors. We capped the price of insulin at...

Madam Vice President! With all due respect, the campaign is over. Let me ask this again... should Biden have run?

Well, like I said, he was coming off the most successful presidency of recent times. But... with Trump coming back in, he was left with no choice... you see...

OK, ok, ok... stick it to me! He should not have run!

When did you first notice that President Biden had lost his marbles?

That’s no way to speak about a President, but... 

OK, there was that time at a rally in California, when a small child handed President Biden a red lollipop. The President leaned down, took it affectionately from the l’il kid, peeled it open… but then stuck it in his ear. He recovered quickly and moved it around, into his mouth. Even the security detail looked the other way... which, of course, as you know, they should never ever do. 

The Republicans, of course, immediately spun this completely… Believe it or not, they actually claimed that he moved it… to his other ear! 

Did. Not. Happen. 

So when exactly was this in the campaign?

This was right in the beginning of his Presidential campaign...

His first one. Back in 1988.

Did you make a mistake confusing the electorate whether you ran as a woman, a Black, or as an Indian American?

Look! I ran as the best candidate for the office of the President of the United States. Period. You see, I couldn't run as a woman because you can see… you could see… how they piled on—fast and high—onto Hillary. I couldn't run as a Black since Obama had put his signature on that card. So here I am… trying out the Indian American thing for a bit, but the money never came. One of my campaign consultants told me later that Prime Minister Modi is a huge Trump fan! Who’d have imagined! 

But we were decisive and fired the consultant on the spot!

What is your message to the Indian American community?

Well, you reap what you sow! This is one of the richest communities in the US, yet they are the most tight-fisted. They don't exactly give! Less than 1% of my political contributions came from Indian Americans. I got more from downtown Oakland!

Listen! If you pay peanuts, you get Kash Patels!

OK, so you heard this from me: In ten years, not one of these guys will remain a Democrat!

You ran for President twice. Failed both times. There was one other person who was outright rejected in a Presidential race and later ran for Governor: Nixon! Look where that got us! Why should Americans place their bets on you once again as Governor or President, after two losing campaigns?

Now that's such a fuckin' loaded question! 

But let me tell you this. We have elected a liar, a felon, a Putin lap-dog... a molestor-in-chief. Someone has to take over from the mess he is going to leave behind. I am the best person yet in the country. You probably don’t know your history… but Reagan was Governor of California before he became a two-time President. 

Which brings me to my next question… If push came to shove, would you consider getting on a national ticket with Governor Newsom in 2028? … As his running mate? 

Are you fuckin' outta of your mind! Who are you.. again? Breitbart News? 

I have already served as Vice President in one of the most effective presidencies of all time. We were two percentage points from the Presidency, coming from behind, in under fifteen weeks.... never been done before! If that fateful Biden debate had been ten weeks earlier, or had Trump not been shot at by some loon goon, I would be at the White House hosting Zelensky—with a lot more American generosity—and inmates would be lining up in Guantanamo to ink tattoos on Trump’s ass.

Newsom is one of the most divisive Democrats. He drove his ex-wife Kimberly Guilfoyle so far to the right that even Trump first-born Don Jr. couldn’t handle it and sent her off to Greece. 

But coming back to your point—No, I would not pick Newsom as my running mate!

Trump took the spot that many felt was rightfully yours. Both of you have spouses coming from non traditional backgrounds. In January, Melania was sitting—feet up!—on Airforce One getting her toe nails done by Bezos as he offered her a whopping documentary deal for $40 million to tell her story, while Doug Emhoff is back, hacking it at the law firm, to put bread on the table. Does this hurt?

That's it!! I want nothin' with your fuckin’ despicable news organization...

[stomping off...]

A Candid Interview with Vivek Ramaswamy

We managed to get an interview with Vivek Ramaswamy. He had just announced his run for Ohio Governor when we got to him.

OK, so someone's got to ask this? Why did you leave DOGE?

I was one of the founders of DOGE. In fact, I was the first to come up with the idea. Elon was on his phone when I first mentioned it and I now realize he was actually posting the idea—On X! Right then!—and claiming it for himself, even before I had finished talking. 

In the best interests of our great country, I smiled and took it on the chin. But once we got started, I was actually given menial tasks like polishing Elon's shoes and combing his young son's hair. As you all know, I always speak my mind. So when I told Musk that his son had dreadful dandruff and earwax, he threw a sissy fit. Next thing I know, I'm out.

Do you think Musk's doing the right thing?

Well, that depends on what you mean by the word "right". As a matter of fact, it might be the only thing left!

[breaks into toothy bleached smile...]

You see! I haven't lost my touch!

Musk—a white guy who wasn't even born here—spent 275 million dollars on the Trump's Presidential campaign and is now the de-facto President. You—a brown guy born in the USA—spent 20 million on your own campaign that wimpily ended in a Trump derision: "a vote for Vivek is a wasted vote." You closed ranks quickly, but you didn't even get a cabinet position. Where did you go off the rails?

Now that is such a fuckin' loaded question. And you are race-baiting me! I ran because I thought I was the best candidate for the job. Look! 275 million dollars would have put even a baboon in the hot seat. Maybe Chris Christie too. Possibly even Kamala, for that matter.

Did you make a mistake running as a Hindu?

Yes! That was a huge mistake, I will have to admit. Look, this country is not ready for a Hindu President. Just ask Tulsi Gabbard! Maybe I should have run as Vikki Ramie Samuel. Very proper. Very biblical. 

So why Governor of Ohio? You didn't even get Vance's vacated Senate seat?

Look! Ohio voted three times for President Trump. I had a lot to do with it. The United States knows now that we need businessmen in elected office—to slash, to fillet, and to clean. And that's exactly what Ohio will get with me. Watch me squeeze something yet from that 20 million dollars!

OK, now for a lighter one. Musk recently brandished a chainsaw to display his bloodcurdling enthusiasm for destroying bureaucracy? What tool would you have picked?

Shiva's trident! Got you there! My turn to bait you...

Seriously, as a constitutional lawyer with deep respect for the Second Amendment, I would have picked a semi-automatic AR-15.

If push came to shove, would you consider running as Nikki Haley's running mate in 2028?

What an inane question! Who are you guys.. again?

Look! Nimarata's goose is cooked. She represents a party that doesn't exist anymore. She was terrific at bearing her fangs at toothless tigers at the UN, while getting nothing done. The UN Headquarters is sitting on 20 acres of prime property in midtown Manhattan. For what? For some African tinpot despot to come and drool nonsense for hours, so we can fill a sprawling room and hire DEI Swahili translators? 

In fact, President Trump should shut down the entire facility and hand the property over in a 100-year lease to the Trump Organization. I should have put this thought into President Trump's head, back in December... 

Ah! Fuck me! That was a completely missed opportunity! 

I could have added: "Mr President, Don Jr. could run this... outta the back of his hand! 

Shit! I would now be chomping fat stuffed dates and slurping dark olives with MBS in the Arabian desert... while l'il Marco would be back in Florida, trying out men's shoes with hidden pumps.

But coming back to your point—No, I would not pick Nikki as my running mate!

What is your message to the Indian American community?

Who? Oh! You mean those highly intelligent morons who fail to tell which side the bread is buttered?

OK, so you heard this from me: In ten years, almost none of these guys will remain a Democrat. Those that still do will be sharing needles in San Francisco.

JD Vance took your spot on the ticket that many felt was rightfully yours. Both of you have Indian wives coming from traditional backgrounds. Today, Usha Vance can be found on Airforce Two, when she's not sitting—feet up!—on Airforce One, while Apoorva Ramaswamy is on diaper duty when she's not sweating it in the doctor's office. Does this hurt?

That's it!! Your fuckin' news organization is worse than the Associated Press... you will be banned from Ohio when I'm Governor!

[stomping off...]

A Biological Oddity

In a stunning paper on human evolutionary development, researchers described a small native human population growing a rudimentary tail. 

Scientists at the Max Plank Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology at Leipzig, reported in an article in Nature this week that a small set of humans were regrowing a tail that was lost at least nine to ten million years ago, dating back to the human-gorilla (Hominini-Gorillini) common ancestor, during the late Miocene.

The tail was first observed in detailed analyses of photographs of human subjects. The researchers developed an AI-based technology that could analyze a photo by stripping off clothing and closely examining the underlying structure. 

The authors report that every tail specimen started aft of the limbs but grew afore, demonstrating a "conspicuous oblique dorsal aspect". In lay-person terms, this may best be described as a "tail between the legs" stance. 

All photos were taken by the security cameras at Mar-a-Lago. Citing privacy concerns, the paper would not report any more details on the subjects. No cases have been reported in women.

Our Senior Anatomical Correspondent was given access to several of the photos. She reported spotting one short stocky bald man with a high-chested high-heeled woman on his arm wearing almost nothing, save a tattoo that eerily resembled the logo of ecommerce giant, Amazon. The other was a brooding younger man with a hoodie draped around a pale and singularly unsmiling face. The photo shows his arm stretched out, in what appeared to be a punch thrown at another man in the background, bearing strong resemblance to billionaire Elon Musk. 

Most other subjects wore blue-grey suits and bright red baseball hats, suggestive of Republican Congressmen. Like the images of brutalized slaves carved into a triumphal Roman arch, they trudged forward, beaten and bowed. Blurred images of hands suggested vibration, possibly from shivering, even in the Florida heat. 

But what nature giveth, nature taketh away. Initial observations indicate that evolution is already counterbalancing the addition of the tail at the rear end of the subject, by shortening the penis at the front end—a conservation mechanism often deployed in nature to avoid wasting resources. 

In contrast to a vestigial human tail that reflects function lost through evolution, the authors are calling this phenomenon a testigial tail, to reflect an adjacent body part lost through unbridled subservience.

Thanksgiving at Mar-a-Lago

We happened to have one of our correspondents at the Trumps' Thanksgiving.

The President-elect went around the table, generously inviting his guests to offer their profuse thanks to him.

Elon opened. 

"I want to thank you for treating me like your own family. I have been parked here at Mar-a-Lago since the election. Having slept on Tesla factory floors many nights, I truly appreciate the comfortable camp cot in the staff quarters. 

President Trump! Congratulations! You won the popular vote with 51% of the electorate, or almost 76 million Americans, while I have the mandate of over 206 million on X. Together, we will reform the government and trap its dodgers under the DOGE program. 

And thank you, Melania, for letting me have your house slippers and your old silk pajamas."

Vance went next.

"Oosha and I are immensely grateful and thankful for being part of the biggest revolution since the Civil War. Trump 47 will go down as the greatest rule of all time. The time when hillbillies, rednecks, and hicks will rule over nerds, weenies, and wonks. 

Thank you Mr President for inviting us to this lovely dinner. As you all know, Oosha is vegetarian and she has brought with her... what's it again, honey? Yeah! It's called curd rice and it goes with super hot Andhra chilly pickle. Give it a go, if you'd like."

Vivek follows...

"I am proud of what all of us here have collectively achieved. I want to sincerely thank President Trump for insisting that I run—a perfect political ruse to draw away and marginalize all opposition. We cleared the deck early and could successfully garrote grumpy gramps Biden and lacerate lame laffin' Kamala. Enjoy the dinner everyone. Eat as much as you like! My wife Apoorva is a laryngologist and can help you swallow almost anything!"

"Except your ego, Vivek!" says Jared calmly, amidst loud laughter resounding all around the room. Musk is holding his sides, laughing.

Everyone now looks to Marco Rubio, by the side of Vivek.

"Stand up Marco! Take a bow! Ladies and gentlemen, our new Secretary of State!" announces Don Jr.

Marco, who's been standing from the beginning, smiles wanly.

"Let me also say that I am truly delighted and thankful to be part of this new administration. We will bring to heel all Arab countries, except of course [looking at Jared] our Saudi friends, all the dumb Europeans who don't pay their fair share, and the Chinese who have been swindling us for generations. Iran! Forget exploding cellphones... you'll find out about our micro drones after they get under your turbans, hijabs, and beards! 

And I'm tired of the Indians blowing kisses at Putin. I will tell them they're either with us or against us!

You can see our impact already! Thanks to the trouncing Trump win and my announcement for State, Biden has been forced to negotiate a ceasefire between the Israelis and Hezbollah..."

"Alright, alright l'il Marco! It's Thanksgivin'! You can sit now..." adds Trump.

Marco sits down with a sheepish red face that disappears behind the large brown turkey at the middle of the table.

Next it's Melania's father, Viktor... who stands up and pulls out a hand-written yellow legal sheet.

"Thank you everyone for thees wonderful Thanksgiving. I would like to thank Prezidint Thrump, my lovely dother Melania, my dheer wife Amalija who is no more, my grandsun Baaron, my older daughter Ines, my Slovenian friends Hana, Jakob... Mila, Oskar... Lucija, Boris, Valentina..."

"OK pops!" butts in Trump. "Sit down and hold on to Baron's hand. The turkey will be carved soon..."

Eric comes on.

"Duh! 'Nuff said. Time to eat! Don and I went hunting yesterday and we nailed a python and a gator. That's what's in your burgers today. Bon Appétit!

Finally, Trump stands up.

"Dear friends and family, I am delighted to have you all join me today in the most important holiday of our Nation. I hope you all enjoy the delicious turkey. I will have you all know that this was exactly the big bird that was pardoned by sleepy Joe Biden earlier this week. 

Enjoy the white meat! It's going to be red all the way from here on!"

The Morning After

The day after the election, the phone was ringing off the hook at Mar-a-Lago, as congratulations kept pouring in. We happened to have an inside line.

[Ring...]

Hello... President Trump! Congratulations! This was a blowout like there's never been...

Who's this?

Marco Rubio!

L'il Marco. Get ready... you stood by me and you may even get considered Secretary of State. Or maybe Interior. Or maybe nothing at all. Hard to tell now... anyway, get some elevator shoes if you want to stand up for anything... Also, I want you to find DeSantimonious. Get yourself something fat and long. And when you find him, I would hope you know where to take it.

[Ring...]

Congratulations Mr President! [voice trailing off...]

Who's this?

Chris Christie! I know, I know... let me just explain...

Fat Christie! You have the fuckin' nerve to call me, you fat son-of-a-bitch! 

Let me just explain... Mr President... I made a huge mistake. We go back thirty years...

Just go fuck yourself Christie... and stop wheezing on my goddamn phone!

[dial tone cuts in...]

[Ring...]

Godfa.. er President Trump!! We did it! We did it, Mr President! We did it! You're the greatest comeback kid of all time! The greatest President since Washington! [salivating sounds...]

Who's this?

Vivek. Vivek Ramaswami!

Thank you Vivek! I am honored. You stood by me through thick n' thin. You didn't even criticize me on the campaign trail even as you polled less than 2% and were forced to quit. But I appreciate it. 

I'm here to help Mr President! 

Listen, you might be a good one for maybe Attorney General. Of course you will dismiss every case against me. Then we go after the bastard prosecutors: Fani Willis, Jack Smith. I want a one-way ticket for Letitia James. We're then going to take it to my Generals... And while we do this, reopen the bridge-gate case on Fat Christie! Okay?

Just ask for it, Mr President!

[Ring...]

Mr President! I really want to congratulate you! This is big and you have my whole...

Who the fuck is this?

Nikki Haley, Sir. I just want to let you know... it was just the heat of the primaries. I served you well at the UN and can surely do it again...

Nikki, stop!! You aren't getting groundswoman at Mar-a-Lago!

Nikki! You're nothing to me now. You're not a MAGA Republican, you're not a friend. I don't want to know you or what you do. I don't want to see you in Washington, I don't want you near my White House. When you come to see anyone in government, I want to know a day in advance, so I won't be there. Do you understand?

[Ring...]

Con-gra-jo-la-tions! Mis-ter Pre-si-dent. This is Xi Jinping!

Hello President Xi! Thank you! This is indeed an honor. But I have to thank you. Your China virus took me out of office... but the same China virus created the inflation that brought me back in! Thank. You. China. Virus!  

Listen, I'm going ahead with the tariffs. We will go 100% and you know I talk serious. I may even double it. We'll put it on everything. So, here's my offer. I'll drop it to 50%, open up some silicon chips, and we'll look the other way on Taiwan! You have at it. But you will buy 100% of your soybeans from us and sole source from Boeing. Musk buys a 49% stake in BYD and Jared gets on the Board. Someday—and that day may never come—I'll call upon you to take out Iran.

[Ring...]

This is Musk! Who's calling?

Elon!! This is your President Trump!

Congratulations Mr President! We just went MA-DEE-VAL on the Dems, did we not!! The market swoons over our victory. I made back 500 times what I spent on the campaign! I don't want a cabinet position. I'll come in when you want me to clean up. I fired 80% of Twitter and nothing changed. We will create an Office of Government Efficiency. We will call it Y. And that's exactly the question we will ask! Why? Why Education? Why EPA? 

And we'll also get Baron an internship at Tesla... it comes with stock options. Bigly, Mr President.

This Election is Confusing my Cat!

We have a cat. Some of you may even have met him. Luca is an orange tabby: a pensive, intelligent, and independent creature of habit who hates change, mistrusts authority, and abhors any form of centralized control that seeks to tell him when he should take a walk, eat, or shit. He's clearly a conservative. 

This election has been distressingly confusing for conservative Luca. He proudly lines his cat house with a newspaper front page that headlined the 2017 Trump Inauguration. He is exceedingly proud to share the same hair color. He hates Kamala because she stands for People. What about Cats?  

But Luca is befuddled by all the anti-Chinese rhetoric from the Right. Luca is pro-Chinese ever since one of his buddies convinced him that Chinese could be ardently anti-dog. Luca knows childless cat ladies are clearly good for cats, so he thinks JD Vance is a fuckin' moron bitch for disparaging lovable cat ladies. He even showed his recent and unambiguous displeasure for the VP candidate by peeing on a JD Vance photo in a newspaper some weeks ago.

Perhaps I omitted to tell you that his methods are quite direct and sometimes pungent.

Luca watched the Presidential Debate sitting on the brown leather couch, shredded at the edges from his prior scratches of frustrating disapproval when liberals have endlessly pontificated on TV. He watched the entire debate with unflinching green cat eyes, but with his head approvingly tilted towards Trump. He bared his fangs once at Kamala when she sneered at Trump with her hand under her chin. He also displayed admirable gender equality by hissing once at each of the hapless moderators.

For all you cat-less child-bearers, these are clear and powerful signs of feline disapproval.

Things took a drastic turn when Trump talked about roving murderous immigrants terrorizing American streets, snatching and instantly devouring luckless cats and pluckless dogs from law-abiding households in Springfield. Luca jumped right off the couch and hid underneath. He had shrunk to about half his size. Nothing could get him out. 

He now sits at his usual spot on the window sill, terrified, staring out at the street between the gaps in the slats, looking out for ravenous immigrants. I have tried to assure him that Trump had also mentioned dog-baiting immigrants and don't we all know that dogs are dumb, trusting, and far easier to catch? Besides, they taste more like chicken. 

Alas, my feeble reassurances have not helped Luca much, leaving me convinced that he really needs sessions on the couch, rather than beneath it.

Now for a strange twist. Given our neighborhood and the kinds of people who generally visit our home, Luca thinks immigrants are white people. 

I have decided to leave that one alone.

Indian is the New Black!

Trump called JD over the weekend and we caught their one-sided conversation.

"JD, things aren’t looking too good. I’m watching the polls and the race is tight. We were hammering Sleepy Joe by twenty points... now we’re dead even. I know the Dems had to change a dead horse in the middle of the race, but now you’re pulling us down!  

I picked you because I wanted a ruthless Bannon, an appealing Bannon... a much better-looking Bannon!

Kamala's playing the Black card. We gotta paint her Indian. 

I pulled and posted a photo of her in a sari. Now everyone knows! You haven’t posted photos of your wife in a sari, have you? I saw your wedding photo in that long ethnic dress. You need to take 'em down. 

Listen JD, now I got no problem with this stuff... But what's the average Joe-MAGA-six-pack going to think? Maybe they think you're wearing Muslim! Maybe worse... something Iranian? I know, I know.... it sounds crazy, but we're better off taking that all down. I'm sorry to say this, but even the photos of your mother-in-law in ethnic clothes need to go.  

Also, yesterday Li'l Marco sent me a bunch of strange strange shit you’ve been saying about me over the years. How did this ever get past the vetting process! Did your Silicon Valley friends pull one on me and take all this stuff down?

And then you go apeshit over all this childless cat women stuff! On Fox!! What the fuck are you talking about JD? I DON'T FUCKIN’ GET IT! 

And now—weird? They're calling us WEIRD!"

"But Mr. President, that means I got them to soften up! Weird is OK. It’s better than Bigots, Racists, Supremecists…"

[Trump flies into a rage.]

"You don’t get this, do you JD? What we want IS Crazy… we want Racist… we want Sexist! The MAGA crowd knows how to read these codes... especially when they come from the coastal elites. 

What we don’t want is… WEIRD! Weird’s worse than fuckin’ STUPID… It’s like a billion times worse than calling your momma fat and ugly.

Honestly, I might have made a huge mistake with you here, JD! 

Bigly! You know... Bannon was pushing hard for Marco?

[Calming himself…]

Look JD, let’s all take a deep deep breath here... You’re just getting started. We have less than one hundred days.

From here on, you stay...ON POINT! Don’t go on Fox and say stupid cat shit! Stick to staples! The talking points…

The rapist illegals are POURING in!

While dumb Kamala worries about BATHROOMS for trans people, we worry about JOBS for the forgotten people. 

WE kill Iranian terrorists and military leaders. THEY go after defenseless babies!

Biden can’t even hold a pen anymore. He’s definitely not holding anything by himself in the bathroom. But don’t count on this corrupt White House to tell you that! 

Kamala’s signing ALL the checks. They’re paying healthcare and retirement for the illegals… granting them citizenship as fast as they can, to get their votes. The national debt will double before their term ends. 

And how about this one… 

Indian is the New Black! 

That’s a winner, right there!

Speaking of, you must have read about that crazy Indian wedding? This guy’s like Asia’s richest guy—let's say, the Trump of India! He personally invited me to the wedding and wanted to open up his penthouse for us, but I couldn't take up his lovely offer... Look! We will generate the largest crowds India has ever seen and I didn't think he'd be able to handle the security. 

Ivanka badly wanted to go…

This guy spent, like, half a billion on his son’s wedding... But lemme just say this: I’ve no idea how he made his money, but he doesn’t know the art of the deal. He paid Beyoncé ten million green ones to perform at the wedding! Does he even know she’s struggling to bring in her next gig??

Meanwhile... I get Hulk Hogan and Kid Rock at the Trump Convention. FOR FREE! They’re raising money for ME! This is how fuckin’ stupid these rich Indians are! 

JD, here’s how you can help. We need to go after the brown vote. The Indians are loaded! Jared tells me... even more than the Jews. We need their money AND their vote. 

And guess what? THEY HATE TAXES, even more than rich white Wall Street jocks! 

Go to the Valley and set up fund raisers! Dangle an Indian ambassadorship! A spot on the President's Science Council. I’m sure Musk and your buddy Thiel can get you in... in all the right places.

Coming to think of it, SCRATCH what I said before!

Let’s do saris. Your wife should be wearing a sari and we’ll let mom-in-law off the hook too. Have your in-laws pick some really expensive designer Indian clothes for Ivanka and Melania. Pick stuff that shows a bit of skin. 

No one would have ever ever looked better in Indian robes! 

Let's go get 'em, JD!"

A Visit from the Lord

Everyone now knows that the Almighty did come down over the weekend and visit our President. The meeting was short and impactful.

Knock! Knock!

Who's there?

God!

God who?

Goddammit! Just open the friggin' door!

[The President fumbles the latch for several minutes before letting in a very exasperated Almighty.]

Mr. President, you take five minutes to work the latch on the door. What the heck will you do with the red nuclear button, should the time come?  The Russians would already have leveled San Francisco... maybe even Chicago... while you're still searching for your dentures! On this job, you need to be fit and ready to shoot from the hip. And don't you dare count on ME!

Oh my Lord, I'm so sorry! I'm just having a bad day. It's a lingering cold from the long debate night, jet-lag, some partying [wink!], and now a bit of Covid... you know, that type of thing. On my good days, I zip around, just like my 67 Corvette. And please, feel free to just call me Joe.

Joe, you gotta go. Your time's up. It's over. I'll keep you on Earth for some more time, but you need to drop out of this race. Now!

But my Lord, can you... can you just give me another shot at this? Maybe I could help?

You're out, Joe! You're not a wartime President! The world is full of wars. Things may get rough with the moves I'm trying. There are reasons you must have no part in what might happen.

Lord, just tell me this... how can you keep Trump? He's a fuckin' disaster and besides... 

[The Almighty cuts him off, clearly irritated.]

Let's be honest here, Joe. I'm not too happy either—with his incessant lying, his porn flings, his megalomania, his immodesty, his freakin' hairstyle—the list goes on. He is anything, but an example... to anyone. 

But get this! This guy makes a lot many more people pray to Me that any President ever did. He's shaken up both sides. All Republicans now pray like Evangelicals... like there's no tomorrow. Hell! Even the godless Dems have got religion now! They are praying themselves hoarse... in unprecedented numbers. They want me to get him out! And they want your ass tickin'.

Trump breaks every Commandment... like, every day... but he wants to put up all TEN of 'em in the schools, in cafeterias, in hospitals, in state houses....prayer's coming back to the schools...Do you see what a great deal all this is... for Me?

I'm sorry and I am humbled, my Lord! I can't argue with all this.... but tell me this: What really happened at Butler, Pennsylvania last Saturday. Did YOU really save him?

OK, so you're going to hear this from Me... but just once. 

I wanted him to think more about Me and less about himself. So I let the shooter get in. I made the secret service guys a tad drowsy. But just when the kid was about to pull the trigger, I put a sharp itch in his left groin, enough to make him miss completely. But Trump had to turn his head at the last minute... into the path of the bullet. I was intending a miss, but it nicked his ear. Sometimes e'en I have to throw up my hands at this guy!

But let's get back to this... tomorrow is the Day. Make it happen!

OK my Lord! I will post on X first thing in the morning that I will stand down. But I need something from you, and here's the deal....

Joe, Joe, Joe!... what deal? Remember WHO you're talking with!

I'm really really sorry my Lord! Presidents tend to want to horse-trade everything. And like I said, it's been a rare bad day for me... but can you do me one last favor, please Almighty! Please!

Go on... [eyebrows turned up in irritation]

Lord, can you make sure that St. Peter double-bolts that gate down when Trump comes a-knocking? Can you also promise me that You will personally come out and kick his sorry ass down to Hell?

[There was no answer. The President stared at the atrium by the door but all he could see was a tiny wisp of smoke where the Lord had been. A type-written letter to his Fellow Americans, floated down to the floor, swaying about like a feather in a dying breeze. The Lord does work in mysterious ways.]

Eight More Years!

A highly confidential call was leaked today and we were among the first news organizations to get a hold of the transcript.

The Reprimand

 

"Hey Nikki, this is your President. WHY-ARE-YOU-STILL-IN-THE-RACE? I'm calling your supporters... we'll blacklist anyone who has anything to do with you... I’m taking you down and this will be the end of your road in politics..."

"Hold it Donald! I came in just 11 points behind you, 43 to 54. We finished 32 behind at Iowa—in just days we’ve knocked down 20 points! Three quarters of the independents went for me... A year ago, I was gardening! You?... you were hunting for clean bathrooms between courthouses visits.

So guess WHO has the momentum... Who really won New Hampshire?

Meanwhile... you are aging. BADLY! Your eyes are puffy. Your face is bright orange and very very blotchy. I have no idea what they're mixing up there but all the spots are showing up on the camera. Looks like your makeup guy hadn’t been paid. Surprise!!

You've generously added three fat inches to your already flabby waist. You are a complete mess. You can't string together two thoughts. You pitched a hissy fit in New Hampshire like a three-year-old throwing a temper tantrum when momma closes the cookie jar..."

"Nikki! Stop! STOP!! Look, not a single person from your own home state is behind you. They have all endorsed me... let me count... your Governor, lieutenant governor, both your senators including Tim Scott—whom you appointed—your attorney-general, 3 of your members of Congress, your..."

[Nikki, cutting him off abruptly]

"Donald! Let me remind you of the people who don't support you and worked in your administration after you appointed them: the Attorney General, every one of your revolving-door chiefs of staff, your secretary of state, the defense secretary, the press secretary, every military chief... and need I remind you: your powerful UN Ambassador! They just don't like you, Don. They think you're incompetent... and they ALL know you're not very smart. 

Even Melania has gone AWOL. She's too busy redoing the prenup so she gets your money before you blow it all... in hush money, hush money coverups, hush money damages, damages for defamation, damages for sexual assault... hush hush money.

All that grabbin' you bragged about? Didn't quite work out for you, did it?

The only reason you're running is to stay out of jail. You're facing 91 felony charges across 4 jurisdictions and you're the only President with his mugshot in a county jailhouse… and let me tellya…it’s pretty fuckin' far from pretty. You scowl... your skin looks terrible. You just don't look so good!

Have you won any cases lately, Mr. President? Just checkin'... Oh, and I just read that you got stuck for 83 big big ones. You can cry all you want about the witch hunt, Don! But that bitch is sure puttin' a big fuckin' hole in your pocket!

You don't have the money for this and you gonna have to hit up Jared and Ivanka. Heard they've been partying with Bezos... isn’t this the same guy who bought The Washington Post just to put you in it?

You tried to set frat boy Vivek on me in New Hampshire. That boy is just little league… the middle finger was invented for HIM! Hell… even Eric could have pulled off a better campaign!

Your best days are behind you, Don... The money's gone. You're old. You've put on a lotta weight… a lot… and you're making a ton of mistakes. 

The spineless Party might get you the nomination this time, Don… but Biden will EAT YOU UP... It’s going to be sad to watch and it won't even be close this time.... 

When you come outta that mess, the courts will be waitin’ for you.. and I’ll be waitin’ for 2028! 

But there's one thing I'd have learned from you Big Cheeto!... to talk the talk. See... I'm doin' it right now!"

Making Amends

Once again, a personal call on Vivek Ramaswamy's mobile was somehow intercepted and leaked to the press. Of course, we are the first to get the transcript:

An Intercepted Conversation

It was reported earlier today that a personal call on Presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy's mobile was somehow intercepted and leaked to the press. We found the below transcript:

Trump's Letter to Biden

The Trump White House
January 20, 2021

Hey Sleepy Joe!

By this time you will be in the White House and awake for at least some of the time. By tradition the outgoing President leaves a note for the incoming one and I am gratious enough to leave one for you, even though you STOLE THE RIGGED ELECTION!!!

Rather than leave it on the Resolute Desk, I chose to leave it in the basement bathroom because I know that's where Basement Joe will always be, wearing the world's BIGGEST MASK! Since you're now reading this, I must have been right. Always am! ALWAYS WILL!

Sorry I could not make the Inauguration. It came down to a choice between sitting face-down with a mask next to DO NOTHING Obama and sitting feet-up on Airforce One. Easy-peasy!

I also want to let you know that I have hidden about ten face tissues from my Covid days in the Executive Residence, which I know the low IQ cleaners will certainly miss. These people are unlike my highly trained staff at any of the world-class Trump properties. Finding the tissues will be your hunt this Easter.

Just kiddin'! Got you there for a minute, Sleepy! 

Enjoy your time here while it lasts. So sad that in four years you will be back in your musty basement in Delaware while I will still be in Mar-a-Lago!

Your President

Donald J. Trump

PS: I left you an autographed MAGA hat hanging on the bedpost in the Lincoln bedroom. Also, tell Pence it was not personal, it was strictly business.

Trump Proposes New Virus Solution

Washington, DC—At the White House press conference today President Trump was on a roll, leaking ideas like a sieve.

"The researchers have been telling me that the virus grows in places that don't get washed that much. Like between your fingers. Now that's the real problem. So I asked them straight: How about your butthole? That's got to have some virus! 

You know, these are some very smart smart people... may be some of the brightest people ever, but they hadn't thought about that one. See, I'm always thinking...

They also tell me about the sun being really bad for the virus because it's got a lot of ultraviolet stuff and puts out a lot of heat. Just go outside and look above. See the glorious sun and feel its warmth. That sun is free. That's one thing we don't have to get from China. Maybe it's time to make China pay for the sun. After all it was their damn virus.

So go outside, pull down your pants—or skirts, ladies!—and just point your butt right up at the sun. Moon it! Now that was funny. You get it? 
The sun will kill the virus in just a minute. One minute flat... 

Poof! Bye bye virus! 

When you get the sun deep into your body it disinfects it from the inside. I talked yesterday about getting the sun in through your skin, or some other way. This might be a better way. It's much better than trying to get it in through your mouth. If you take a look down at your behind you'll see right away that there's no bend over there like in your throat. So the sunlight goes straight in and cleans up shop.

The fake news media put my statements out of context... the stuff about the Lysol. I'm a businessman, maybe one of the most successful, just trying to solve problems... creatively, in new ways that no one imagined before.

Here's what I'm thinking. If Lysol works, how about Draino? Melania says it dissolves just about everything in our bathrooms. She should know. Her hair is everywhere. May be we shoot some of that stuff up. Or maybe pour some of it down there when you're doing the sun thing. 

I say we go with sun and Draino and kill the virus one way or the other. You got nothing to lose."

x

Trump Makes Modi An Offer He Cannot Refuse

Houston, Texas—President Trump paid a visit to the "Howdy Modi!" rally by Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi in Houston last weekend and was greeted thunderously by 50,000 boisterous Indian-Americans wearing saffron hats with red visors screaming—Make America Great Only. Yes, there was an unfortunate oversight and the ground team was frantically handing out cover-up stickers before the big man would notice and throw a smoldering orange fit.

But there was a lot more than mere political rallying on the cards that day. According to unnamed sources, Trump has made an offer that the Prime Minister may not be able to refuse. 

The deal is on Kashmir and it goes like this.

The Trump organization wants a 101-year lease on Kashmir. They will bring in all outside investment and develop Kashmir into a world class tourist destination. Included, are plans for a 108-story Trump International Hotel in downtown Srinagar, along with 6 golf courses and 2 world-class ski resorts, spread around the scenic mountain state. The Trump organization will pay the Indian government 40% of the annual take, under a declining schedule that was not specified.

"We have done our homework and have thought through everything in the Indian context," a spokesman for the Trump organization brashly asserted.

"Look! 101 and 108 are your lucky numbers. See, we got that down. But we’re thinking big here. We will build out an Indian Mount Rushmore in the high Himalayas and carve out the rock faces of President Trump and Prime Minister Modi. Helicopter tours will take visitors out over the mountains and we plan to offer milk and honey libations—or AbbyShaker as you call it—of course at extra charge."

"We are targeting 15% of your famous TaroPatty temple’s annual take, in year five," he preened.

"What about security from Pakistani terrorists?" a member of the Indian entourage meekly asked. 

"Glad you asked," retorted the Trump frontman. 

"We will build a huge wall on the west. It’s actually very easy in Kashmir. You already have the mountains as natural barriers. All we need to do is plug the valleys in-between. We have the know-how and can reuse the designs from the Mexican border. Listen! If we can stop Mexicans, we can take Pakistanis with our eyes closed."

"You do know that we went in there a few years ago, right? We cleaned house and were out before they even woke up!" he added, with a smirk.

"What about the funds, sir?" a Modi man dared to interject. 

"We’re going to hit up the Saudis. They always owe us one. Besides they are going to have money streaming down their beards after that monster Aramco public listing. They won’t pay for the Wall though, given their close relationship with Pakistan.

But we’ve got a plan for that too. You guys agree to keep all of the 2 million Muslim refugees in Assam and we’ll work out a deal."

"Bangladesh will pay for the Wall."

Mystery Lifted Over Chancellor Merkel's Shaking Bout

Berlin, Germany—German doctors have finally lifted the veil over Chancellor Angela Merkel's shaking bouts observed over the past summer. On at least three public occasions Merkel was observed trembling uncontrollably, fueling speculation on her health and its impact on the future of Europe's largest economy. 

Now the mystery around her illness appears to have been solved. According to the latest issue of Der Spiegel, Merkel suffers from a rare form of anxiety that triggers involuntary reactions. Called onomatophobia, it is a morbid fear of specific words. 

An anonymous source apparently from the political establishment and close to the medical investigation has revealed that Merkel has an adverse reaction to the mention of one specific word—Trump. 

"Her reaction is quite extraordinary," the source stated. "A feeling of panic and terror drains the blood from her face and extremities resulting in uncontrolled shivering, often followed by retching."

Thankfully the fix has been easy. The article reports that doctors have fitted Merkel with a small in-ear processor that filters conversations by replacing 'Trump' with 'Arschloch', a mischievous reference to a body part that rarely sees the sun.

The magazine adds that this ailment is not new. 

"This is an old medical condition that is quite common, especially among politicians in India," observed Dr Lalitha Chowdhari, head of the Department of Psychiatry at the All India Institute of Medical Sciences in New Delhi.

"Mohammad Ali Jinnah, the father of Pakistan, in his later years used to have the same problem with the word 'Gandhi'. I'm told that he would choke uncontrollably on his pork sausage and require at least two pegs of imported Scotch to calm himself down.

We used to also observe this in most Tamil politicians whenever they heard 'Jayalalitha'," she added. 

"Unfortunately the uncontrollable body part in all these cases was the bladder and to make matters worse our Madrasi bhais are wearing dhoti only."

Trump Learned Hurricane Management from Kim Jong-un

Washington, Sep 2, 2019—In the wake of North Korea's repeated missile tests, President Trump gamely explained last week that Kim Jong-un "just likes testing missiles" and that concerns are clearly overblown. 

Yesterday, Trump advanced another explanation for the benign tests conducted by his trusted friend.

"I always said that the best way to tame a hurricane is to blow up a nuclear bomb inside of it," said Trump. "Well that's exactly what my good friend Kim tells me he's been doing for decades now. As a Pacific nation that is always under the threat of hurricanes, North Korea has to shoot first and ask questions later. That's why they have been shooting up all these missiles. It keeps them safe."

"And if you don't believe me you can check for yourself. The last time there was a hurricane in the Korean peninsula it was Grandpa Kim who was running the show and I hadn't even started to put the divorce proceedings on Ivana."

"Believe me... the nuclear option works. Americans have always known about this for a fact. Why do you think we conducted all those nuclear explosions on Bikini Atoll in the 1940s and 50s? It was to save that ungrateful south Pacific nation from many bad bad hurricanes. But then again you are never going to learn this from the fake news on CNN or the New York Times. They have missed the true climate science and only rant about fake climate science and global warming."

Meanwhile, this reporter has learned from an unnamed White House source that Trump had proposed the Pentagon send rockets in from the north to blast Hurricane Dorian into Cuba. 

"Let's even take it down to Venezuela, if we have any leftover," the President was reported to have said.

Trump Strikes Deal With Korean Strongman

Washington DC, September 8, 2017—Emboldened by the recent deal he cut with Senate Democrats on the debt ceiling, President Trump announced a new deal with yet another adversary, Kim Jong-Un.

"North Korean missiles will point at America no more," announced Trump. "Mr Kim has agreed to cut their ICBMs by half immediately. The remaining one will be turned 180 degrees and point at China. We will monitor with our satellites," he added.

"In any business negotiation, you gotta get to the bottom of the issues," he rumbled on.

"North Korea has [an] employment problem and Kim needs toys. So they have over a hundred thousand people working their nuclear program. It's their coal industry. I get it. These people need jobs. We're gonna give it to 'em.

Starting next month, we will employ ten thousand of these hard-working North Koreans to come over and put up the Wall. These guys have cut their teeth on underground concrete bunkers and—believe me—they will do a heckuva job. I doubt a possum will get across when they're done...

I've also spoken with Mexican President Nieto to pay the Koreans directly, against the dirt-cheap hourly rate I've cut. The North Koreans are short on food, so Nieto'll work in some avocados into the deal. The Trump Organization will waive all commissions. Trust me! It's going to work out good for everyone.

Once that awful storm clears back south, I will invite Kim to the US. He and his beautiful wife—I can't remember her name now, but she sure looks terrific—will get unlimited VIP access to all rides in Orlando, SeaWorld, and Universal Studios. We will arrange Xbox playdates with my kids Barron and Eric. Let 'em have at it... Kim's a great guy... he just needs to lose some weight. Give him his toys and nobody gets hurt."

"Yesterday... I worked across the aisle. Today, it's across the ocean," crowed Trump.

"You tell me! Would crooked Hillary ever have gotten this straight?"

White House Continues to Spring Leaks

Washington DC, August 8, 2017—Unidentified sources from the White House today leaked an employment contract template used for all cabinet positions. Our White House correspondent, Tellit Aziz, managed to grab this screenshot full:

TERM. The term of this employment contract will commence on [START DATE] (the "Start Date") and will be renewed weekly thereafter.

DUTIES. The Office of the President ("OOTP") shall hire Employee as [POSITION TITLE] (the "Title"). Employee should not construe any connection between Title and the role he will perform. Employee agrees to install the Twitter mobile device software (the "App") on his personal communication device and follow @realDonaldTrump. Employee agrees to do the same on every device of each member of his extended family, covering a minimum of three generations. Children under the age of three may be exempted. Once in cabinet role, Employee agrees to fire at least two other staff members within three months of Start Date. Employee may be asked to undertake light housekeeping tasks like swatting flies in the Oval Office or changing the bedpan in the Master Bedroom.

EQUIPMENT. Employee will be issued standard OOTP tactical weapons ("Back-stabber" and "Front-stabber"). Employee will also be issued a white robe with matching hood and torch. Within seven (7) days of expiration of Contract, Employee agrees to return all equipment, with worn parts replaced.

EXTRACURRICULARS. All employees must attend the daily 4pm physical session ("Bannon Yoga") conducted by Chief Strategist Steve Bannon. Within three months of Start Date, Employee must demonstrate proficiency in at least three Bannon Yoga positions, including the Twisted Self-Examiner.

APPLICABLE LAW. This Contract and the application of its terms are not governed or construed in accordance with the laws of any state of the Union. OOTP retains final jurisdiction on all matters.