Making Amends

Once again, a personal call on Vivek Ramaswamy's mobile was somehow intercepted and leaked to the press. Of course, we are the first to get the transcript:

"Mr President, I know it went badly for me in Iowa. Honestly, I don't know what I was thinkin' taking you on! I'm fully in with you now. I will campaign for you from here on. Just tell me what to do..."

"Now Vivek, You think it went badly? It was a fuckin' disaster! You went to 99 counties and you didn't win even one. Not one, Vivek! And you even went everywhere by private plane, spending your own money... politics is all about other people's money. Not smart! And you went to Harvard?

Look! You need to fix a few things here. I told you this Hindoo thing needs to go. How is it so different from Muslim? Both are from the MiddleEast, right? No one can tell the difference. Even a guy like me from New York and Wharton can't tell the difference. And you're talking with Iowans. 

Look at Haley and look where she started... her parents were wearing turbans! That's where she started! But then she married smart. That took care of the last name. She converted... and that got her out of the turban business. She switched to Nikki and didn't get stuck into some Nam-myoho-renge-kyo or whatever her immigrant parents might have foolishly called her. 

Nikki is a fantastic name. It's short. It has impact. When the announcer goes... Here's... Nikki Haley... she steps up on the stage... the music comes blaring on... and she looks and struts like a rockstar in heels. And you made fun of her name... and even the heels. What did they teach you at Harvard?

Then it's your turn... and by the time they finish pronouncing your name, people are beating it to the toilet! You gotta fix that! Go with something else... it's not that hard. Say... how about... Vinni? 

I can say that. My grandchildren can say that. I betcha everyone in Iowa and New Hampshire could have said that. Hey! It even sounds like Nikki. You might even have pulled in some of her votes. But you missed that boat.

Vinni Ramos! L'il bit of ethnic here... see, you gotta explain the dark skin somehow... Look! I don't really care about all that, but some people do..."

"But Mr. President, didn't you already publicly say I was not MAGA? How do we fix that?"

"Vinni, er Vivek... you're taking your time learning politics, aren't ya? That's not how things work. The not-MAGA bit was a set up.. just for Iowa. Now it's done! It will be forgotten. 

I will just announce that you called me after your dramatically-poor-showing at Iowa — the worst by any politician ever — and came to pay me a visit on my grand daughter's birthday at Mar-a-Lago. That you waited your turn, amongst hundreds of other guests, and told your Don that you needed his help. 

We'll put out a new red hat design and you be the first to wear it. Everywhere. Always. You sleep in it... you shit in it... you know what I mean! Everything will then be forgotten.

I want you in New Hampshire. You shoulda had kept up the campaign for some more time 'cos you'd have leaked some votes from Nikki. But we're here now...

DeSantimonious is toast... badly burned toast. He's spent hundreds of millions and has absolutely nothing to show. Nada! Like l'il Marco before him, he'll crawl back to Florida, he'll lick his wounds for some time... and when he stops crying he'll pull for us. I'm not worried about him.

But we gotta nail Nikki. Go to New Hampshire. Fat loser Christie's there pulling for her. They both hate you like diarrhea and slaughtered you in the debates. Now is your chance to get your revenge... with that MAGA hat on your head. You win when they lose!

Also, one more thing... I'm not sure Veepee is in it for you anymore. See... you lost. You weren't cheated. You just lost bad. So we'll get you in on something... maybe transportation secretary.

Hold on, Vivek! I just had a wonderful idea... you'd make an absolutely terrific Attorney General! You're whip-smart... you went to Harvard and Yale! Starting from zero you hit the high singles in Iowa. No one's done that... ever! And you'll start the AG job by dismissing a lot of politically-motivated cases...

At-tor-ney General Vivek Ra-ma-swa-me! Hey! That has a ring to it, eh... and I really thank you for your endorsement."