Eight More Years!

A highly confidential call was leaked today and we were among the first news organizations to get a hold of the transcript.

"How are you, Mr. President?"

[It was that unmistakably deep baritone that had delivered seven thundering State of the Union addresses in the chamber of the House of Representatives.]

"Morning Mr President! It's been almost eight decades... excuse me... eight years since we spoke! How is ... isa... isa Eleanor, er Jackie...Melania... excuse me... Michelle"? And the girls?

"We're all doing good, Mr President. But look... Joe, we need to talk! I've been talking with Clooney, Katzenberg, and Nancy and it boils down like this. 

You've had a great run Joe. But it is time to move on. We simply cannot afford another term of Agent Orange, Joe, and you know it. You beat him real good the last time. But you're not gonna beat him again.

Think about this Joe? Do you want the ignominy of some Dem hacks trying to run you out? After five decades of public service? As Senator, as VP, and as President of the greatest nation on Earth! Do you really want to be remembered as the guy who struggled to string sentences out of word salads... when the clock started to run out on you? 

No Mr President! You don't want that! I have just the plan... listen me out.

You hang tight. We'll all tell 'em that you ain't gonna quit. Never. Not today. Not any day. No way Jose! More Senators will break ranks and come after you. More House reps will break out and squeeze out their first press coverage. The Times will get on that fuckin' high horse of theirs... 

But me and Nancy? We're gonna support you... to the hilt. We will back you as the only candidate who can possibly defeat Trump!

Now, let's get to the next part of the plan...

Next week is the Republican Convention. Every speaker at that zoo's gonna want to roast your ass... it will be l'il Marco, JD Vance, Burgum, Tim Scott, Stefanik, despicable Ted Cruz..... Trump'll be auctioning tickets to get on that bandwagon. Hell! Even Nikki will kiss his ass and then reach out and take a number. 

Trump? He'll prod, ridicule, taunt, mimic you... he will savage you on X as he waits on the sidelines to be crowned on the fourth day. Hunter will be ruthlessly hunted down again. It's gonna be real bad, Joe. 

Then, on Thursday at 8pm eastern they will plan to crown the felon... and this is where things get real interesting:

The White House makes an announcement at noon, on Thursday: 

'The President of the United States will address the American people at 8 Eastern!' 

Every news channel will scramble to cover this. Every reporter will want to be there for that historic moment! The world will come to watch. This is your moment.

You make the stunning announcement that you will withdraw your nomination. In the interest of the country, in the interest of defeating the Scourge... in the interest of the future of our great Nation. Indeed, the World!

'Selfless Biden does the right thing'. 'Puts country first'. 

The media'll be all over it, throughout the night. Anderson Cooper will have a lockjaw by early morning and Jake Tapper, a double hernia.

The Trump nomination will get as much coverage as a 711 burglary in downtown Springfield on Thursday afternoon. The news cycle is going to be all about Biden... Everywhere you want to look... everywhere you try and rest your ringing ears!

You will take the wind out of his sails and put a hole in his keel. There will no where else to go, but down. You know this man! He will throw a fuckin' fit, Joe. Orange will turn bloody red. But he won't be able to scream Joe and let me tell you why... he would have swallowed his tongue in his seething rage!

This is your final moment in public office, Joe. You make him toast. You save the Nation. This is your Parthian shot! The shot that will be heard around the world—from the swamps of DC to the beaches of Normandy and into the heart of Red Square and the Great Hall of the People!"

[deep silence for thirty seconds]

"Woh! oh wow... 

So what do we do next? Put Kamala on the ticket?"

"No, no, no! Joe, we now uncover the next act. Everyone is expecting Kamala. Trump's been sharpening his teeth to cut through bone as he eats her alive. He has the attack ads already, the sound bites, the banners, the border stories, the mimicked laugh... he think's he's got it all.

But guess what? 

We're going to put Michelle and Jill on the ticket! 

Eight more years, Mr. President!"