A Visit from the Lord

Everyone now knows that the Almighty did come down over the weekend and visit our President. The meeting was short and impactful.

Knock! Knock!

Who's there?

God!

God who?

Goddammit! Just open the friggin' door!

[The President fumbles the latch for several minutes before letting in a very exasperated Almighty.]

Mr. President, you take five minutes to work the latch on the door. What the heck will you do with the red nuclear button, should the time come?  The Russians would already have leveled San Francisco... maybe even Chicago... while you're still searching for your dentures! On this job, you need to be fit and ready to shoot from the hip. And don't you dare count on ME!

Oh my Lord, I'm so sorry! I'm just having a bad day. It's a lingering cold from the long debate night, jet-lag, some partying [wink!], and now a bit of Covid... you know, that type of thing. On my good days, I zip around, just like my 67 Corvette. And please, feel free to just call me Joe.

Joe, you gotta go. Your time's up. It's over. I'll keep you on Earth for some more time, but you need to drop out of this race. Now!

But my Lord, can you... can you just give me another shot at this? Maybe I could help?

You're out, Joe! You're not a wartime President! The world is full of wars. Things may get rough with the moves I'm trying. There are reasons you must have no part in what might happen.

Lord, just tell me this... how can you keep Trump? He's a fuckin' disaster and besides... 

[The Almighty cuts him off, clearly irritated.]

Let's be honest here, Joe. I'm not too happy either—with his incessant lying, his porn flings, his megalomania, his immodesty, his freakin' hairstyle—the list goes on. He is anything, but an example... to anyone. 

But get this! This guy makes a lot many more people pray to Me that any President ever did. He's shaken up both sides. All Republicans now pray like Evangelicals... like there's no tomorrow. Hell! Even the godless Dems have got religion now! They are praying themselves hoarse... in unprecedented numbers. They want me to get him out! And they want your ass tickin'.

Trump breaks every Commandment... like, every day... but he wants to put up all TEN of 'em in the schools, in cafeterias, in hospitals, in state houses....prayer's coming back to the schools...Do you see what a great deal all this is... for Me?

I'm sorry and I am humbled, my Lord! I can't argue with all this.... but tell me this: What really happened at Butler, Pennsylvania last Saturday. Did YOU really save him?

OK, so you're going to hear this from Me... but just once. 

I wanted him to think more about Me and less about himself. So I let the shooter get in. I made the secret service guys a tad drowsy. But just when the kid was about to pull the trigger, I put a sharp itch in his left groin, enough to make him miss completely. But Trump had to turn his head at the last minute... into the path of the bullet. I was intending a miss, but it nicked his ear. Sometimes e'en I have to throw up my hands at this guy!

But let's get back to this... tomorrow is the Day. Make it happen!

OK my Lord! I will post on X first thing in the morning that I will stand down. But I need something from you, and here's the deal....

Joe, Joe, Joe!... what deal? Remember WHO you're talking with!

I'm really really sorry my Lord! Presidents tend to want to horse-trade everything. And like I said, it's been a rare bad day for me... but can you do me one last favor, please Almighty! Please!

Go on... [eyebrows turned up in irritation]

Lord, can you make sure that St. Peter double-bolts that gate down when Trump comes a-knocking? Can you also promise me that You will personally come out and kick his sorry ass down to Hell?

[There was no answer. The President stared at the atrium by the door but all he could see was a tiny wisp of smoke where the Lord had been. A type-written letter to his Fellow Americans, floated down to the floor, swaying about like a feather in a dying breeze. The Lord does work in mysterious ways.]