Trump Learned Hurricane Management from Kim Jong-un

Washington, Sep 2, 2019—In the wake of North Korea's repeated missile tests, President Trump gamely explained last week that Kim Jong-un "just likes testing missiles" and that concerns are clearly overblown. 

Yesterday, Trump advanced another explanation for the benign tests conducted by his trusted friend.

"I always said that the best way to tame a hurricane is to blow up a nuclear bomb inside of it," said Trump. "Well that's exactly what my good friend Kim tells me he's been doing for decades now. As a Pacific nation that is always under the threat of hurricanes, North Korea has to shoot first and ask questions later. That's why they have been shooting up all these missiles. It keeps them safe."

"And if you don't believe me you can check for yourself. The last time there was a hurricane in the Korean peninsula it was Grandpa Kim who was running the show and I hadn't even started to put the divorce proceedings on Ivana."

"Believe me... the nuclear option works. Americans have always known about this for a fact. Why do you think we conducted all those nuclear explosions on Bikini Atoll in the 1940s and 50s? It was to save that ungrateful south Pacific nation from many bad bad hurricanes. But then again you are never going to learn this from the fake news on CNN or the New York Times. They have missed the true climate science and only rant about fake climate science and global warming."

Meanwhile, this reporter has learned from an unnamed White House source that Trump had proposed the Pentagon send rockets in from the north to blast Hurricane Dorian into Cuba. 

"Let's even take it down to Venezuela, if we have any leftover," the President was reported to have said.