This week, we managed to get in on a recent Trump cabinet meeting that we bring to you.
Trump called his cabinet meeting this afternoon. The President sits down first. It then goes in this order: Marco and JD rush to be the next one, then it's Hegseth... today, Tulsi Gabbard is last, taking Kristi Noem's place. Strongman RFK Jr. stands throughout.
The President was just about to start when squeaks of squirming feet... likely from being adrift within shoes many sizes too loose... distract everyone in the room.
Trump looks to his right, then to his left, and spots a cowering Marco Rubio. The Secretary of State appears to have shrunk all around. He even looks a good two inches shorter since war broke out.
"L'il Marco, don't you worry about the press reporting on your loose Florsheims. You're doing good. It is American-made, American styled! And just $150. Who says we can't make them here in America! You're doing good.
So here's what I need you to do. Be a man! Put those shoes on, get on a pair of blue jeans, strip off your shirt, and get on a fuckin' treadmill and call the press. Lose that baby-face! That's going to do wonders for your little image."
[He points to Secretary of Health & Human Services across the room]
"Just ask RFK. No one fucks with RFK! He looks like Rambo and talks like Darth Vader! Not sure what he smells like!"
[The President breaks into a laugh that infects the entire room. RFK smiles and mumbles something that no one heeds.]
"Marco, call my man Winston Churchill across the pond... tell him that this is his last chance to stand up. He's losing the next election... bigly... to my buddy Farage!
You're doing good Marco. Don't let them get you. You may even be the next President..."
[grins and looks the other way...]
"Speaking of which... JD! I see that you are signaling the press that maybe... MAYBE you were not completely in with all the action against Iran, after all. Are you fuckin' outta your mind? I got you in here because you're buddies with Don Jr. I know you and him have this silly beard thing going. I should never have listened!
Here's what I need you to do. Go to China tomorrow. Don't come back until you get them to send at least two War Ships headed for the Gulf! You can go up to 300 on the tariffs. If China doesn't budge... WE TAKE TAIWAN BEFORE THEY DO! It will be PREEMPTIVE!"
"The beauty of this is... Guys!... ANYTHING can be PREEMPTIVE! No one knows what the fuck would have happened anyway. See... that's the cornerstone of the Trump Doctrine!"
"Hegseth!"
"Sir!" [throws a sharp palm-down right-arm salute]
"The Trump-deranged left-wing media's reporting that we are using 2 million dollar Patriot missiles to bring down 20 thousand dollar Iranian drones! Is that true? What the fuck is going on? That must be at least 10 dollars of missile for one dollar of drone. Do the math, STUPID! Is this the Department of War or the Department of Fuckin' Math Stupidity?"
[Sharpness gone, Hegseth's right arm dangles limply by his side...]
"Can we not get some super powerful vacuum cleaners, hang 'em behind our wonderful stealth bombers, and just suck the drones out of the air even as the Iranians launch 'em? Ask the Palantir guys to look into this. Tell them it was my idea.
I heard the Ukrainians are using five hundred dollar offensive drones to bring down the same Iranian drones used by the Russians.
And we were supposed to be the mightiest fighting force the world has ever seen!
Call Zelensky to the White House! Let's talk to him and cut a deal. One Patriot for 20 drones. He can fire them up whoseever ass he wants.
[lowers his voice]
Let him also know he can wear whatever he wants when he comes this time. He'd appreciate that."
"OK Everyone, PAY ATTENTION! Noem is OUT and this should serve as a warning to all of you! I know Kash isn't here today but that man's a gonner. I let him travel on a government plane to the Winter Games with his girlfriend. He had one job to do. One fuckin' job! Get the Woman's Team to the State of the Union. Cut a deal. And he bombs that! And I thought HE was my Tom Hagan!
He should be hanging his own ass on the FBI's Ten Most Wanted list!
[Overcome by his own wit, he chuckles, then smiles... bearing sparkling white teeth]
"Pam! Where are you? Over there?...
I told them to move you to the base. We need you safe.
Just remember, the walls have ears! [grinning]
The Department of Justice needs to gain some respect. I need you to send a strong message to Supreme Court judges. Send packages to the homes of Judges Amy Barrett and Neil Gorsuch. Dead fish, wrapped in brown paper. Just do it. They'll get the message."
"OK... one final thing...
So.... how many of you watch Melania's movie with your family and friends? Every Saturday?
[Most hands go up. Trump squints and scours the room severely. All hands go up.]
Good! You're all dismissed!"
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