The Reprimand

 

"Hey Nikki, this is your President. WHY-ARE-YOU-STILL-IN-THE-RACE? I'm calling your supporters... we'll blacklist anyone who has anything to do with you... I’m taking you down and this will be the end of your road in politics..."

"Hold it Donald! I came in just 11 points behind you, 43 to 54. We finished 32 behind at Iowa—in just days we’ve knocked down 20 points! Three quarters of the independents went for me... A year ago, I was gardening! You?... you were hunting for clean bathrooms between courthouses visits.

So guess WHO has the momentum... Who really won New Hampshire?

Meanwhile... you are aging. BADLY! Your eyes are puffy. Your face is bright orange and very very blotchy. I have no idea what they're mixing up there but all the spots are showing up on the camera. Looks like your makeup guy hadn’t been paid. Surprise!!

You've generously added three fat inches to your already flabby waist. You are a complete mess. You can't string together two thoughts. You pitched a hissy fit in New Hampshire like a three-year-old throwing a temper tantrum when momma closes the cookie jar..."

"Nikki! Stop! STOP!! Look, not a single person from your own home state is behind you. They have all endorsed me... let me count... your Governor, lieutenant governor, both your senators including Tim Scott—whom you appointed—your attorney-general, 3 of your members of Congress, your..."

[Nikki, cutting him off abruptly]

"Donald! Let me remind you of the people who don't support you and worked in your administration after you appointed them: the Attorney General, every one of your revolving-door chiefs of staff, your secretary of state, the defense secretary, the press secretary, every military chief... and need I remind you: your powerful UN Ambassador! They just don't like you, Don. They think you're incompetent... and they ALL know you're not very smart. 

Even Melania has gone AWOL. She's too busy redoing the prenup so she gets your money before you blow it all... in hush money, hush money coverups, hush money damages, damages for defamation, damages for sexual assault... hush hush money.

All that grabbin' you bragged about? Didn't quite work out for you, did it?

The only reason you're running is to stay out of jail. You're facing 91 felony charges across 4 jurisdictions and you're the only President with his mugshot in a county jailhouse… and let me tellya…it’s pretty fuckin' far from pretty. You scowl... your skin looks terrible. You just don't look so good!

Have you won any cases lately, Mr. President? Just checkin'... Oh, and I just read that you got stuck for 83 big big ones. You can cry all you want about the witch hunt, Don! But that bitch is sure puttin' a big fuckin' hole in your pocket!

You don't have the money for this and you gonna have to hit up Jared and Ivanka. Heard they've been partying with Bezos... isn’t this the same guy who bought The Washington Post just to put you in it?

You tried to set frat boy Vivek on me in New Hampshire. That boy is just little league… the middle finger was invented for HIM! Hell… even Eric could have pulled off a better campaign!

Your best days are behind you, Don... The money's gone. You're old. You've put on a lotta weight… a lot… and you're making a ton of mistakes. 

The spineless Party might get you the nomination this time, Don… but Biden will EAT YOU UP... It’s going to be sad to watch and it won't even be close this time.... 

When you come outta that mess, the courts will be waitin’ for you.. and I’ll be waitin’ for 2028! 

But there's one thing I'd have learned from you Big Cheeto!... to talk the talk. See... I'm doin' it right now!"