The Morning After

The day after the election, the phone was ringing off the hook at Mar-a-Lago, as congratulations kept pouring in. We happened to have an inside line.

[Ring...]

Hello... President Trump! Congratulations! This was a blowout like there's never been...

Who's this?

Marco Rubio!

L'il Marco. Get ready... you stood by me and you may even get considered Secretary of State. Or maybe Interior. Or maybe nothing at all. Hard to tell now... anyway, get some elevator shoes if you want to stand up for anything... Also, I want you to find DeSantimonious. Get yourself something fat and long. And when you find him, I would hope you know where to take it.

[Ring...]

Congratulations Mr President! [voice trailing off...]

Who's this?

Chris Christie! I know, I know... let me just explain...

Fat Christie! You have the fuckin' nerve to call me, you fat son-of-a-bitch! 

Let me just explain... Mr President... I made a huge mistake. We go back thirty years...

Just go fuck yourself Christie... and stop wheezing on my goddamn phone!

[dial tone cuts in...]

[Ring...]

Godfa.. er President Trump!! We did it! We did it, Mr President! We did it! You're the greatest comeback kid of all time! The greatest President since Washington! [salivating sounds...]

Who's this?

Vivek. Vivek Ramaswami!

Thank you Vivek! I am honored. You stood by me through thick n' thin. You didn't even criticize me on the campaign trail even as you polled less than 2% and were forced to quit. But I appreciate it. 

I'm here to help Mr President! 

Listen, you might be a good one for maybe Attorney General. Of course you will dismiss every case against me. Then we go after the bastard prosecutors: Fani Willis, Jack Smith. I want a one-way ticket for Letitia James. We're then going to take it to my Generals... And while we do this, reopen the bridge-gate case on Fat Christie! Okay?

Just ask for it, Mr President!

[Ring...]

Mr President! I really want to congratulate you! This is big and you have my whole...

Who the fuck is this?

Nikki Haley, Sir. I just want to let you know... it was just the heat of the primaries. I served you well at the UN and can surely do it again...

Nikki, stop!! You aren't getting groundswoman at Mar-a-Lago!

Nikki! You're nothing to me now. You're not a MAGA Republican, you're not a friend. I don't want to know you or what you do. I don't want to see you in Washington, I don't want you near my White House. When you come to see anyone in government, I want to know a day in advance, so I won't be there. Do you understand?

[Ring...]

Con-gra-jo-la-tions! Mis-ter Pre-si-dent. This is Xi Jinping!

Hello President Xi! Thank you! This is indeed an honor. But I have to thank you. Your China virus took me out of office... but the same China virus created the inflation that brought me back in! Thank. You. China. Virus!  

Listen, I'm going ahead with the tariffs. We will go 100% and you know I talk serious. I may even double it. We'll put it on everything. So, here's my offer. I'll drop it to 50%, open up some silicon chips, and we'll look the other way on Taiwan! You have at it. But you will buy 100% of your soybeans from us and sole source from Boeing. Musk buys a 49% stake in BYD and Jared gets on the Board. Someday—and that day may never come—I'll call upon you to take out Iran.

[Ring...]

This is Musk! Who's calling?

Elon!! This is your President Trump!

Congratulations Mr President! We just went MA-DEE-VAL on the Dems, did we not!! The market swoons over our victory. I made back 500 times what I spent on the campaign! I don't want a cabinet position. I'll come in when you want me to clean up. I fired 80% of Twitter and nothing changed. We will create an Office of Government Efficiency. We will call it Y. And that's exactly the question we will ask! Why? Why Education? Why EPA? 

And we'll also get Baron an internship at Tesla... it comes with stock options. Bigly, Mr President.