An Intercepted Conversation

It was reported earlier today that a personal call on Presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy's mobile was somehow intercepted and leaked to the press. We found the below transcript:

Trump's Letter to Biden

The Trump White House
January 20, 2021

Hey Sleepy Joe!

By this time you will be in the White House and awake for at least some of the time. By tradition the outgoing President leaves a note for the incoming one and I am gratious enough to leave one for you, even though you STOLE THE RIGGED ELECTION!!!

Rather than leave it on the Resolute Desk, I chose to leave it in the basement bathroom because I know that's where Basement Joe will always be, wearing the world's BIGGEST MASK! Since you're now reading this, I must have been right. Always am! ALWAYS WILL!

Sorry I could not make the Inauguration. It came down to a choice between sitting face-down with a mask next to DO NOTHING Obama and sitting feet-up on Airforce One. Easy-peasy!

I also want to let you know that I have hidden about ten face tissues from my Covid days in the Executive Residence, which I know the low IQ cleaners will certainly miss. These people are unlike my highly trained staff at any of the world-class Trump properties. Finding the tissues will be your hunt this Easter.

Just kiddin'! Got you there for a minute, Sleepy! 

Enjoy your time here while it lasts. So sad that in four years you will be back in your musty basement in Delaware while I will still be in Mar-a-Lago!

Your President

Donald J. Trump

PS: I left you an autographed MAGA hat hanging on the bedpost in the Lincoln bedroom. Also, tell Pence it was not personal, it was strictly business.

Trump Proposes New Virus Solution

Washington, DC—At the White House press conference today President Trump was on a roll, leaking ideas like a sieve.

"The researchers have been telling me that the virus grows in places that don't get washed that much. Like between your fingers. Now that's the real problem. So I asked them straight: How about your butthole? That's got to have some virus! 

You know, these are some very smart smart people... may be some of the brightest people ever, but they hadn't thought about that one. See, I'm always thinking...

They also tell me about the sun being really bad for the virus because it's got a lot of ultraviolet stuff and puts out a lot of heat. Just go outside and look above. See the glorious sun and feel its warmth. That sun is free. That's one thing we don't have to get from China. Maybe it's time to make China pay for the sun. After all it was their damn virus.

So go outside, pull down your pants—or skirts, ladies!—and just point your butt right up at the sun. Moon it! Now that was funny. You get it? 
The sun will kill the virus in just a minute. One minute flat... 

Poof! Bye bye virus! 

When you get the sun deep into your body it disinfects it from the inside. I talked yesterday about getting the sun in through your skin, or some other way. This might be a better way. It's much better than trying to get it in through your mouth. If you take a look down at your behind you'll see right away that there's no bend over there like in your throat. So the sunlight goes straight in and cleans up shop.

The fake news media put my statements out of context... the stuff about the Lysol. I'm a businessman, maybe one of the most successful, just trying to solve problems... creatively, in new ways that no one imagined before.

Here's what I'm thinking. If Lysol works, how about Draino? Melania says it dissolves just about everything in our bathrooms. She should know. Her hair is everywhere. May be we shoot some of that stuff up. Or maybe pour some of it down there when you're doing the sun thing. 

I say we go with sun and Draino and kill the virus one way or the other. You got nothing to lose."

x

Trump Makes Modi An Offer He Cannot Refuse

Houston, Texas—President Trump paid a visit to the "Howdy Modi!" rally by Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi in Houston last weekend and was greeted thunderously by 50,000 boisterous Indian-Americans wearing saffron hats with red visors screaming—Make America Great Only. Yes, there was an unfortunate oversight and the ground team was frantically handing out cover-up stickers before the big man would notice and throw a smoldering orange fit.

But there was a lot more than mere political rallying on the cards that day. According to unnamed sources, Trump has made an offer that the Prime Minister may not be able to refuse. 

The deal is on Kashmir and it goes like this.

The Trump organization wants a 101-year lease on Kashmir. They will bring in all outside investment and develop Kashmir into a world class tourist destination. Included, are plans for a 108-story Trump International Hotel in downtown Srinagar, along with 6 golf courses and 2 world-class ski resorts, spread around the scenic mountain state. The Trump organization will pay the Indian government 40% of the annual take, under a declining schedule that was not specified.

"We have done our homework and have thought through everything in the Indian context," a spokesman for the Trump organization brashly asserted.

"Look! 101 and 108 are your lucky numbers. See, we got that down. But we’re thinking big here. We will build out an Indian Mount Rushmore in the high Himalayas and carve out the rock faces of President Trump and Prime Minister Modi. Helicopter tours will take visitors out over the mountains and we plan to offer milk and honey libations—or AbbyShaker as you call it—of course at extra charge."

"We are targeting 15% of your famous TaroPatty temple’s annual take, in year five," he preened.

"What about security from Pakistani terrorists?" a member of the Indian entourage meekly asked. 

"Glad you asked," retorted the Trump frontman. 

"We will build a huge wall on the west. It’s actually very easy in Kashmir. You already have the mountains as natural barriers. All we need to do is plug the valleys in-between. We have the know-how and can reuse the designs from the Mexican border. Listen! If we can stop Mexicans, we can take Pakistanis with our eyes closed."

"You do know that we went in there a few years ago, right? We cleaned house and were out before they even woke up!" he added, with a smirk.

"What about the funds, sir?" a Modi man dared to interject. 

"We’re going to hit up the Saudis. They always owe us one. Besides they are going to have money streaming down their beards after that monster Aramco public listing. They won’t pay for the Wall though, given their close relationship with Pakistan.

But we’ve got a plan for that too. You guys agree to keep all of the 2 million Muslim refugees in Assam and we’ll work out a deal."

"Bangladesh will pay for the Wall."

Mystery Lifted Over Chancellor Merkel's Shaking Bout

Berlin, Germany—German doctors have finally lifted the veil over Chancellor Angela Merkel's shaking bouts observed over the past summer. On at least three public occasions Merkel was observed trembling uncontrollably, fueling speculation on her health and its impact on the future of Europe's largest economy. 

Now the mystery around her illness appears to have been solved. According to the latest issue of Der Spiegel, Merkel suffers from a rare form of anxiety that triggers involuntary reactions. Called onomatophobia, it is a morbid fear of specific words. 

An anonymous source apparently from the political establishment and close to the medical investigation has revealed that Merkel has an adverse reaction to the mention of one specific word—Trump. 

"Her reaction is quite extraordinary," the source stated. "A feeling of panic and terror drains the blood from her face and extremities resulting in uncontrolled shivering, often followed by retching."

Thankfully the fix has been easy. The article reports that doctors have fitted Merkel with a small in-ear processor that filters conversations by replacing 'Trump' with 'Arschloch', a mischievous reference to a body part that rarely sees the sun.

The magazine adds that this ailment is not new. 

"This is an old medical condition that is quite common, especially among politicians in India," observed Dr Lalitha Chowdhari, head of the Department of Psychiatry at the All India Institute of Medical Sciences in New Delhi.

"Mohammad Ali Jinnah, the father of Pakistan, in his later years used to have the same problem with the word 'Gandhi'. I'm told that he would choke uncontrollably on his pork sausage and require at least two pegs of imported Scotch to calm himself down.

We used to also observe this in most Tamil politicians whenever they heard 'Jayalalitha'," she added. 

"Unfortunately the uncontrollable body part in all these cases was the bladder and to make matters worse our Madrasi bhais are wearing dhoti only."

Trump Learned Hurricane Management from Kim Jong-un

Washington, Sep 2, 2019—In the wake of North Korea's repeated missile tests, President Trump gamely explained last week that Kim Jong-un "just likes testing missiles" and that concerns are clearly overblown. 

Yesterday, Trump advanced another explanation for the benign tests conducted by his trusted friend.

"I always said that the best way to tame a hurricane is to blow up a nuclear bomb inside of it," said Trump. "Well that's exactly what my good friend Kim tells me he's been doing for decades now. As a Pacific nation that is always under the threat of hurricanes, North Korea has to shoot first and ask questions later. That's why they have been shooting up all these missiles. It keeps them safe."

"And if you don't believe me you can check for yourself. The last time there was a hurricane in the Korean peninsula it was Grandpa Kim who was running the show and I hadn't even started to put the divorce proceedings on Ivana."

"Believe me... the nuclear option works. Americans have always known about this for a fact. Why do you think we conducted all those nuclear explosions on Bikini Atoll in the 1940s and 50s? It was to save that ungrateful south Pacific nation from many bad bad hurricanes. But then again you are never going to learn this from the fake news on CNN or the New York Times. They have missed the true climate science and only rant about fake climate science and global warming."

Meanwhile, this reporter has learned from an unnamed White House source that Trump had proposed the Pentagon send rockets in from the north to blast Hurricane Dorian into Cuba. 

"Let's even take it down to Venezuela, if we have any leftover," the President was reported to have said.

Trump Strikes Deal With Korean Strongman

Washington DC, September 8, 2017—Emboldened by the recent deal he cut with Senate Democrats on the debt ceiling, President Trump announced a new deal with yet another adversary, Kim Jong-Un.

"North Korean missiles will point at America no more," announced Trump. "Mr Kim has agreed to cut their ICBMs by half immediately. The remaining one will be turned 180 degrees and point at China. We will monitor with our satellites," he added.

"In any business negotiation, you gotta get to the bottom of the issues," he rumbled on.

"North Korea has [an] employment problem and Kim needs toys. So they have over a hundred thousand people working their nuclear program. It's their coal industry. I get it. These people need jobs. We're gonna give it to 'em.

Starting next month, we will employ ten thousand of these hard-working North Koreans to come over and put up the Wall. These guys have cut their teeth on underground concrete bunkers and—believe me—they will do a heckuva job. I doubt a possum will get across when they're done...

I've also spoken with Mexican President Nieto to pay the Koreans directly, against the dirt-cheap hourly rate I've cut. The North Koreans are short on food, so Nieto'll work in some avocados into the deal. The Trump Organization will waive all commissions. Trust me! It's going to work out good for everyone.

Once that awful storm clears back south, I will invite Kim to the US. He and his beautiful wife—I can't remember her name now, but she sure looks terrific—will get unlimited VIP access to all rides in Orlando, SeaWorld, and Universal Studios. We will arrange Xbox playdates with my kids Barron and Eric. Let 'em have at it... Kim's a great guy... he just needs to lose some weight. Give him his toys and nobody gets hurt."

"Yesterday... I worked across the aisle. Today, it's across the ocean," crowed Trump.

"You tell me! Would crooked Hillary ever have gotten this straight?"