This Election is Confusing my Cat!

We have a cat. Some of you may even have met him. Luca is an orange tabby: a pensive, intelligent, and independent creature of habit who hates change, mistrusts authority, and abhors any form of centralized control that seeks to tell him when he should take a walk, eat, or shit. He's clearly a conservative. 

This election has been distressingly confusing for conservative Luca. He proudly lines his cat house with a newspaper front page that headlined the 2017 Trump Inauguration. He is exceedingly proud to share the same hair color. He hates Kamala because she stands for People. What about Cats?  

But Luca is befuddled by all the anti-Chinese rhetoric from the Right. Luca is pro-Chinese ever since one of his buddies convinced him that Chinese could be ardently anti-dog. Luca knows childless cat ladies are clearly good for cats, so he thinks JD Vance is a fuckin' moron bitch for disparaging lovable cat ladies. He even showed his recent and unambiguous displeasure for the VP candidate by peeing on a JD Vance photo in a newspaper some weeks ago.

Perhaps I omitted to tell you that his methods are quite direct and sometimes pungent.

Luca watched the Presidential Debate sitting on the brown leather couch, shredded at the edges from his prior scratches of frustrating disapproval when liberals have endlessly pontificated on TV. He watched the entire debate with unflinching green cat eyes, but with his head approvingly tilted towards Trump. He bared his fangs once at Kamala when she sneered at Trump with her hand under her chin. He also displayed admirable gender equality by hissing once at each of the hapless moderators.

For all you cat-less child-bearers, these are clear and powerful signs of feline disapproval.

Things took a drastic turn when Trump talked about roving murderous immigrants terrorizing American streets, snatching and instantly devouring luckless cats and pluckless dogs from law-abiding households in Springfield. Luca jumped right off the couch and hid underneath. He had shrunk to about half his size. Nothing could get him out. 

He now sits at his usual spot on the window sill, terrified, staring out at the street between the gaps in the slats, looking out for ravenous immigrants. I have tried to assure him that Trump had also mentioned dog-baiting immigrants and don't we all know that dogs are dumb, trusting, and far easier to catch? Besides, they taste more like chicken. 

Alas, my feeble reassurances have not helped Luca much, leaving me convinced that he really needs sessions on the couch, rather than beneath it.

Now for a strange twist. Given our neighborhood and the kinds of people who generally visit our home, Luca thinks immigrants are white people. 

I have decided to leave that one alone.

Indian is the New Black!

Trump called JD over the weekend and we caught their one-sided conversation.

"JD, things aren’t looking too good. I’m watching the polls and the race is tight. We were hammering Sleepy Joe by twenty points... now we’re dead even. I know the Dems had to change a dead horse in the middle of the race, but now you’re pulling us down!  

I picked you because I wanted a ruthless Bannon, an appealing Bannon... a much better-looking Bannon!

Kamala's playing the Black card. We gotta paint her Indian. 

I pulled and posted a photo of her in a sari. Now everyone knows! You haven’t posted photos of your wife in a sari, have you? I saw your wedding photo in that long ethnic dress. You need to take 'em down. 

Listen JD, now I got no problem with this stuff... But what's the average Joe-MAGA-six-pack going to think? Maybe they think you're wearing Muslim! Maybe worse... something Iranian? I know, I know.... it sounds crazy, but we're better off taking that all down. I'm sorry to say this, but even the photos of your mother-in-law in ethnic clothes need to go.  

Also, yesterday Li'l Marco sent me a bunch of strange strange shit you’ve been saying about me over the years. How did this ever get past the vetting process! Did your Silicon Valley friends pull one on me and take all this stuff down?

And then you go apeshit over all this childless cat women stuff! On Fox!! What the fuck are you talking about JD? I DON'T FUCKIN’ GET IT! 

And now—weird? They're calling us WEIRD!"

"But Mr. President, that means I got them to soften up! Weird is OK. It’s better than Bigots, Racists, Supremecists…"

[Trump flies into a rage.]

"You don’t get this, do you JD? What we want IS Crazy… we want Racist… we want Sexist! The MAGA crowd knows how to read these codes... especially when they come from the coastal elites. 

What we don’t want is… WEIRD! Weird’s worse than fuckin’ STUPID… It’s like a billion times worse than calling your momma fat and ugly.

Honestly, I might have made a huge mistake with you here, JD! 

Bigly! You know... Bannon was pushing hard for Marco?

[Calming himself…]

Look JD, let’s all take a deep deep breath here... You’re just getting started. We have less than one hundred days.

From here on, you stay...ON POINT! Don’t go on Fox and say stupid cat shit! Stick to staples! The talking points…

The rapist illegals are POURING in!

While dumb Kamala worries about BATHROOMS for trans people, we worry about JOBS for the forgotten people. 

WE kill Iranian terrorists and military leaders. THEY go after defenseless babies!

Biden can’t even hold a pen anymore. He’s definitely not holding anything by himself in the bathroom. But don’t count on this corrupt White House to tell you that! 

Kamala’s signing ALL the checks. They’re paying healthcare and retirement for the illegals… granting them citizenship as fast as they can, to get their votes. The national debt will double before their term ends. 

And how about this one… 

Indian is the New Black! 

That’s a winner, right there!

Speaking of, you must have read about that crazy Indian wedding? This guy’s like Asia’s richest guy—let's say, the Trump of India! He personally invited me to the wedding and wanted to open up his penthouse for us, but I couldn't take up his lovely offer... Look! We will generate the largest crowds India has ever seen and I didn't think he'd be able to handle the security. 

Ivanka badly wanted to go…

This guy spent, like, half a billion on his son’s wedding... But lemme just say this: I’ve no idea how he made his money, but he doesn’t know the art of the deal. He paid Beyoncé ten million green ones to perform at the wedding! Does he even know she’s struggling to bring in her next gig??

Meanwhile... I get Hulk Hogan and Kid Rock at the Trump Convention. FOR FREE! They’re raising money for ME! This is how fuckin’ stupid these rich Indians are! 

JD, here’s how you can help. We need to go after the brown vote. The Indians are loaded! Jared tells me... even more than the Jews. We need their money AND their vote. 

And guess what? THEY HATE TAXES, even more than rich white Wall Street jocks! 

Go to the Valley and set up fund raisers! Dangle an Indian ambassadorship! A spot on the President's Science Council. I’m sure Musk and your buddy Thiel can get you in... in all the right places.

Coming to think of it, SCRATCH what I said before!

Let’s do saris. Your wife should be wearing a sari and we’ll let mom-in-law off the hook too. Have your in-laws pick some really expensive designer Indian clothes for Ivanka and Melania. Pick stuff that shows a bit of skin. 

No one would have ever ever looked better in Indian robes! 

Let's go get 'em, JD!"

A Visit from the Lord

Everyone now knows that the Almighty did come down over the weekend and visit our President. The meeting was short and impactful.

Knock! Knock!

Who's there?

God!

God who?

Goddammit! Just open the friggin' door!

[The President fumbles the latch for several minutes before letting in a very exasperated Almighty.]

Mr. President, you take five minutes to work the latch on the door. What the heck will you do with the red nuclear button, should the time come?  The Russians would already have leveled San Francisco... maybe even Chicago... while you're still searching for your dentures! On this job, you need to be fit and ready to shoot from the hip. And don't you dare count on ME!

Oh my Lord, I'm so sorry! I'm just having a bad day. It's a lingering cold from the long debate night, jet-lag, some partying [wink!], and now a bit of Covid... you know, that type of thing. On my good days, I zip around, just like my 67 Corvette. And please, feel free to just call me Joe.

Joe, you gotta go. Your time's up. It's over. I'll keep you on Earth for some more time, but you need to drop out of this race. Now!

But my Lord, can you... can you just give me another shot at this? Maybe I could help?

You're out, Joe! You're not a wartime President! The world is full of wars. Things may get rough with the moves I'm trying. There are reasons you must have no part in what might happen.

Lord, just tell me this... how can you keep Trump? He's a fuckin' disaster and besides... 

[The Almighty cuts him off, clearly irritated.]

Let's be honest here, Joe. I'm not too happy either—with his incessant lying, his porn flings, his megalomania, his immodesty, his freakin' hairstyle—the list goes on. He is anything, but an example... to anyone. 

But get this! This guy makes a lot many more people pray to Me that any President ever did. He's shaken up both sides. All Republicans now pray like Evangelicals... like there's no tomorrow. Hell! Even the godless Dems have got religion now! They are praying themselves hoarse... in unprecedented numbers. They want me to get him out! And they want your ass tickin'.

Trump breaks every Commandment... like, every day... but he wants to put up all TEN of 'em in the schools, in cafeterias, in hospitals, in state houses....prayer's coming back to the schools...Do you see what a great deal all this is... for Me?

I'm sorry and I am humbled, my Lord! I can't argue with all this.... but tell me this: What really happened at Butler, Pennsylvania last Saturday. Did YOU really save him?

OK, so you're going to hear this from Me... but just once. 

I wanted him to think more about Me and less about himself. So I let the shooter get in. I made the secret service guys a tad drowsy. But just when the kid was about to pull the trigger, I put a sharp itch in his left groin, enough to make him miss completely. But Trump had to turn his head at the last minute... into the path of the bullet. I was intending a miss, but it nicked his ear. Sometimes e'en I have to throw up my hands at this guy!

But let's get back to this... tomorrow is the Day. Make it happen!

OK my Lord! I will post on X first thing in the morning that I will stand down. But I need something from you, and here's the deal....

Joe, Joe, Joe!... what deal? Remember WHO you're talking with!

I'm really really sorry my Lord! Presidents tend to want to horse-trade everything. And like I said, it's been a rare bad day for me... but can you do me one last favor, please Almighty! Please!

Go on... [eyebrows turned up in irritation]

Lord, can you make sure that St. Peter double-bolts that gate down when Trump comes a-knocking? Can you also promise me that You will personally come out and kick his sorry ass down to Hell?

[There was no answer. The President stared at the atrium by the door but all he could see was a tiny wisp of smoke where the Lord had been. A type-written letter to his Fellow Americans, floated down to the floor, swaying about like a feather in a dying breeze. The Lord does work in mysterious ways.]

Eight More Years!

A highly confidential call was leaked today and we were among the first news organizations to get a hold of the transcript.

The Reprimand

 

"Hey Nikki, this is your President. WHY-ARE-YOU-STILL-IN-THE-RACE? I'm calling your supporters... we'll blacklist anyone who has anything to do with you... I’m taking you down and this will be the end of your road in politics..."

"Hold it Donald! I came in just 11 points behind you, 43 to 54. We finished 32 behind at Iowa—in just days we’ve knocked down 20 points! Three quarters of the independents went for me... A year ago, I was gardening! You?... you were hunting for clean bathrooms between courthouses visits.

So guess WHO has the momentum... Who really won New Hampshire?

Meanwhile... you are aging. BADLY! Your eyes are puffy. Your face is bright orange and very very blotchy. I have no idea what they're mixing up there but all the spots are showing up on the camera. Looks like your makeup guy hadn’t been paid. Surprise!!

You've generously added three fat inches to your already flabby waist. You are a complete mess. You can't string together two thoughts. You pitched a hissy fit in New Hampshire like a three-year-old throwing a temper tantrum when momma closes the cookie jar..."

"Nikki! Stop! STOP!! Look, not a single person from your own home state is behind you. They have all endorsed me... let me count... your Governor, lieutenant governor, both your senators including Tim Scott—whom you appointed—your attorney-general, 3 of your members of Congress, your..."

[Nikki, cutting him off abruptly]

"Donald! Let me remind you of the people who don't support you and worked in your administration after you appointed them: the Attorney General, every one of your revolving-door chiefs of staff, your secretary of state, the defense secretary, the press secretary, every military chief... and need I remind you: your powerful UN Ambassador! They just don't like you, Don. They think you're incompetent... and they ALL know you're not very smart. 

Even Melania has gone AWOL. She's too busy redoing the prenup so she gets your money before you blow it all... in hush money, hush money coverups, hush money damages, damages for defamation, damages for sexual assault... hush hush money.

All that grabbin' you bragged about? Didn't quite work out for you, did it?

The only reason you're running is to stay out of jail. You're facing 91 felony charges across 4 jurisdictions and you're the only President with his mugshot in a county jailhouse… and let me tellya…it’s pretty fuckin' far from pretty. You scowl... your skin looks terrible. You just don't look so good!

Have you won any cases lately, Mr. President? Just checkin'... Oh, and I just read that you got stuck for 83 big big ones. You can cry all you want about the witch hunt, Don! But that bitch is sure puttin' a big fuckin' hole in your pocket!

You don't have the money for this and you gonna have to hit up Jared and Ivanka. Heard they've been partying with Bezos... isn’t this the same guy who bought The Washington Post just to put you in it?

You tried to set frat boy Vivek on me in New Hampshire. That boy is just little league… the middle finger was invented for HIM! Hell… even Eric could have pulled off a better campaign!

Your best days are behind you, Don... The money's gone. You're old. You've put on a lotta weight… a lot… and you're making a ton of mistakes. 

The spineless Party might get you the nomination this time, Don… but Biden will EAT YOU UP... It’s going to be sad to watch and it won't even be close this time.... 

When you come outta that mess, the courts will be waitin’ for you.. and I’ll be waitin’ for 2028! 

But there's one thing I'd have learned from you Big Cheeto!... to talk the talk. See... I'm doin' it right now!"

Making Amends

Once again, a personal call on Vivek Ramaswamy's mobile was somehow intercepted and leaked to the press. Of course, we are the first to get the transcript:

An Intercepted Conversation

It was reported earlier today that a personal call on Presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy's mobile was somehow intercepted and leaked to the press. We found the below transcript: