Trump Makes Modi An Offer He Cannot Refuse

Houston, Texas—President Trump paid a visit to the "Howdy Modi!" rally by Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi in Houston last weekend and was greeted thunderously by 50,000 boisterous Indian-Americans wearing saffron hats with red visors screaming—Make America Great Only. Yes, there was an unfortunate oversight and the ground team was frantically handing out cover-up stickers before the big man would notice and throw a smoldering orange fit.

But there was a lot more than mere political rallying on the cards that day. According to unnamed sources, Trump has made an offer that the Prime Minister may not be able to refuse. 

The deal is on Kashmir and it goes like this.

The Trump organization wants a 101-year lease on Kashmir. They will bring in all outside investment and develop Kashmir into a world class tourist destination. Included, are plans for a 108-story Trump International Hotel in downtown Srinagar, along with 6 golf courses and 2 world-class ski resorts, spread around the scenic mountain state. The Trump organization will pay the Indian government 40% of the annual take, under a declining schedule that was not specified.

"We have done our homework and have thought through everything in the Indian context," a spokesman for the Trump organization brashly asserted.

"Look! 101 and 108 are your lucky numbers. See, we got that down. But we’re thinking big here. We will build out an Indian Mount Rushmore in the high Himalayas and carve out the rock faces of President Trump and Prime Minister Modi. Helicopter tours will take visitors out over the mountains and we plan to offer milk and honey libations—or AbbyShaker as you call it—of course at extra charge."

"We are targeting 15% of your famous TaroPatty temple’s annual take, in year five," he preened.

"What about security from Pakistani terrorists?" a member of the Indian entourage meekly asked. 

"Glad you asked," retorted the Trump frontman. 

"We will build a huge wall on the west. It’s actually very easy in Kashmir. You already have the mountains as natural barriers. All we need to do is plug the valleys in-between. We have the know-how and can reuse the designs from the Mexican border. Listen! If we can stop Mexicans, we can take Pakistanis with our eyes closed."

"You do know that we went in there a few years ago, right? We cleaned house and were out before they even woke up!" he added, with a smirk.

"What about the funds, sir?" a Modi man dared to interject. 

"We’re going to hit up the Saudis. They always owe us one. Besides they are going to have money streaming down their beards after that monster Aramco public listing. They won’t pay for the Wall though, given their close relationship with Pakistan.

But we’ve got a plan for that too. You guys agree to keep all of the 2 million Muslim refugees in Assam and we’ll work out a deal."

"Bangladesh will pay for the Wall."

Mystery Lifted Over Chancellor Merkel's Shaking Bout

Berlin, Germany—German doctors have finally lifted the veil over Chancellor Angela Merkel's shaking bouts observed over the past summer. On at least three public occasions Merkel was observed trembling uncontrollably, fueling speculation on her health and its impact on the future of Europe's largest economy. 

Now the mystery around her illness appears to have been solved. According to the latest issue of Der Spiegel, Merkel suffers from a rare form of anxiety that triggers involuntary reactions. Called onomatophobia, it is a morbid fear of specific words. 

An anonymous source apparently from the political establishment and close to the medical investigation has revealed that Merkel has an adverse reaction to the mention of one specific word—Trump. 

"Her reaction is quite extraordinary," the source stated. "A feeling of panic and terror drains the blood from her face and extremities resulting in uncontrolled shivering, often followed by retching."

Thankfully the fix has been easy. The article reports that doctors have fitted Merkel with a small in-ear processor that filters conversations by replacing 'Trump' with 'Arschloch', a mischievous reference to a body part that rarely sees the sun.

The magazine adds that this ailment is not new. 

"This is an old medical condition that is quite common, especially among politicians in India," observed Dr Lalitha Chowdhari, head of the Department of Psychiatry at the All India Institute of Medical Sciences in New Delhi.

"Mohammad Ali Jinnah, the father of Pakistan, in his later years used to have the same problem with the word 'Gandhi'. I'm told that he would choke uncontrollably on his pork sausage and require at least two pegs of imported Scotch to calm himself down.

We used to also observe this in most Tamil politicians whenever they heard 'Jayalalitha'," she added. 

"Unfortunately the uncontrollable body part in all these cases was the bladder and to make matters worse our Madrasi bhais are wearing dhoti only."

Trump Learned Hurricane Management from Kim Jong-un

Washington, Sep 2, 2019—In the wake of North Korea's repeated missile tests, President Trump gamely explained last week that Kim Jong-un "just likes testing missiles" and that concerns are clearly overblown. 

Yesterday, Trump advanced another explanation for the benign tests conducted by his trusted friend.

"I always said that the best way to tame a hurricane is to blow up a nuclear bomb inside of it," said Trump. "Well that's exactly what my good friend Kim tells me he's been doing for decades now. As a Pacific nation that is always under the threat of hurricanes, North Korea has to shoot first and ask questions later. That's why they have been shooting up all these missiles. It keeps them safe."

"And if you don't believe me you can check for yourself. The last time there was a hurricane in the Korean peninsula it was Grandpa Kim who was running the show and I hadn't even started to put the divorce proceedings on Ivana."

"Believe me... the nuclear option works. Americans have always known about this for a fact. Why do you think we conducted all those nuclear explosions on Bikini Atoll in the 1940s and 50s? It was to save that ungrateful south Pacific nation from many bad bad hurricanes. But then again you are never going to learn this from the fake news on CNN or the New York Times. They have missed the true climate science and only rant about fake climate science and global warming."

Meanwhile, this reporter has learned from an unnamed White House source that Trump had proposed the Pentagon send rockets in from the north to blast Hurricane Dorian into Cuba. 

"Let's even take it down to Venezuela, if we have any leftover," the President was reported to have said.

Trump Strikes Deal With Korean Strongman

Washington DC, September 8, 2017—Emboldened by the recent deal he cut with Senate Democrats on the debt ceiling, President Trump announced a new deal with yet another adversary, Kim Jong-Un.

"North Korean missiles will point at America no more," announced Trump. "Mr Kim has agreed to cut their ICBMs by half immediately. The remaining one will be turned 180 degrees and point at China. We will monitor with our satellites," he added.

"In any business negotiation, you gotta get to the bottom of the issues," he rumbled on.

"North Korea has [an] employment problem and Kim needs toys. So they have over a hundred thousand people working their nuclear program. It's their coal industry. I get it. These people need jobs. We're gonna give it to 'em.

Starting next month, we will employ ten thousand of these hard-working North Koreans to come over and put up the Wall. These guys have cut their teeth on underground concrete bunkers and—believe me—they will do a heckuva job. I doubt a possum will get across when they're done...

I've also spoken with Mexican President Nieto to pay the Koreans directly, against the dirt-cheap hourly rate I've cut. The North Koreans are short on food, so Nieto'll work in some avocados into the deal. The Trump Organization will waive all commissions. Trust me! It's going to work out good for everyone.

Once that awful storm clears back south, I will invite Kim to the US. He and his beautiful wife—I can't remember her name now, but she sure looks terrific—will get unlimited VIP access to all rides in Orlando, SeaWorld, and Universal Studios. We will arrange Xbox playdates with my kids Barron and Eric. Let 'em have at it... Kim's a great guy... he just needs to lose some weight. Give him his toys and nobody gets hurt."

"Yesterday... I worked across the aisle. Today, it's across the ocean," crowed Trump.

"You tell me! Would crooked Hillary ever have gotten this straight?"

White House Continues to Spring Leaks

Washington DC, August 8, 2017—Unidentified sources from the White House today leaked an employment contract template used for all cabinet positions. Our White House correspondent, Tellit Aziz, managed to grab this screenshot full:

TERM. The term of this employment contract will commence on [START DATE] (the "Start Date") and will be renewed weekly thereafter.

DUTIES. The Office of the President ("OOTP") shall hire Employee as [POSITION TITLE] (the "Title"). Employee should not construe any connection between Title and the role he will perform. Employee agrees to install the Twitter mobile device software (the "App") on his personal communication device and follow @realDonaldTrump. Employee agrees to do the same on every device of each member of his extended family, covering a minimum of three generations. Children under the age of three may be exempted. Once in cabinet role, Employee agrees to fire at least two other staff members within three months of Start Date. Employee may be asked to undertake light housekeeping tasks like swatting flies in the Oval Office or changing the bedpan in the Master Bedroom.

EQUIPMENT. Employee will be issued standard OOTP tactical weapons ("Back-stabber" and "Front-stabber"). Employee will also be issued a white robe with matching hood and torch. Within seven (7) days of expiration of Contract, Employee agrees to return all equipment, with worn parts replaced.

EXTRACURRICULARS. All employees must attend the daily 4pm physical session ("Bannon Yoga") conducted by Chief Strategist Steve Bannon. Within three months of Start Date, Employee must demonstrate proficiency in at least three Bannon Yoga positions, including the Twisted Self-Examiner.

APPLICABLE LAW. This Contract and the application of its terms are not governed or construed in accordance with the laws of any state of the Union. OOTP retains final jurisdiction on all matters.

July Massacre Consumes John Kelly

Washington, July 31, 2017—In a stunning new development, President Trump fired newly appointed chief of staff John Kelly after less than 24 hours on the job. 

"We took out Priebus in six months and The Mooch in less than ten days. Now we're taking out beleaguered Kelly in less than 24 hours. This makes me the most decisive President to ever occupy the office since Lincoln," tweeted Trump a few minutes before midnight. 

"John Kelly will be leaving his role as White House Chief of Staff," Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the White House press secretary said in a statement. "Since I am the only staff left, the President felt it was a bit unnecessary to have a chief. We wish Kelly the best and thank him for his long service."

Meanwhile a fresh leak from White House reveals a new crisis brewing. Strategist Steve Bannon has been missing. It is learned that he is yet to emerge from a bathroom break he had taken more than twelve hours ago. 

"I've already told you about his f_____ impossible maneuvers. That bipolar genitalophile is putting on some strange moves in there, I can tell you," outgoing communications director Scaramucci reportedly said as he left the White House.

Trump Reshuffles Team

At a news conference this morning, President Trump outlined his staffing changes. Curling his fingers into air quotes, he began...

"Mike Dubke 'resigned' as Communications Director this morning. Before you ask, let me tell you that he was fired.

I will be putting additional responsibilities on Jared Kushner after his stellar performance with the Israelis and the Phoenicians last week. I have now asked him to resolve the Kashmir conflict between nuclear powers India and Bangladesh and update their leaders when he's done. Jared will also take up and resolve all island issues in the South China Sea. His real estate and eviction experience is exactly what we need now.

Reince Pubis is out. I'm done with his crazy name. He's also been one huge disappointment. But he's a terrific guy. I've offered him a staff job at Mar-a-Lago.

I will be firing a lot of people to fix our team. My security director Keith Schiller will personally deliver these notices. It works. Dubke—like Comey before him— took off as soon as he heard Keith was on his way, leaving his wallet and keys behind.

Leaders of countries shamelessly block not just our agenda—but even our way—on our foreign trips. Last week I myself had to physically push aside the leader of Montenegro, a mountainous African nation. I'm bringing on Chris Christie to fix that. The big guy joins as my new Travel Director. He will travel by my side and do all the pushing, so America always comes out first.

And let me tell you... with all her crazy comments this week, Merkel is just asking for it.

Finally, Melania has expressed her interest to be far away from Washington and do deals. I have appointed her as our ambassador to Saudi Arabia. She just closed a $10 billion deal to sell Made-in-America designer abayas—like the one she modeled last week—to the Saudis."