Trump Makes Modi An Offer He Cannot Refuse

Houston, Texas—President Trump paid a visit to the "Howdy Modi!" rally by Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi in Houston last weekend and was greeted thunderously by 50,000 boisterous Indian-Americans wearing saffron hats with red visors screaming—Make America Great Only. Yes, there was an unfortunate oversight and the ground team was frantically handing out cover-up stickers before the big man would notice and throw a smoldering orange fit.

But there was a lot more than mere political rallying on the cards that day. According to unnamed sources, Trump has made an offer that the Prime Minister may not be able to refuse. 

The deal is on Kashmir and it goes like this.

The Trump organization wants a 101-year lease on Kashmir. They will bring in all outside investment and develop Kashmir into a world class tourist destination. Included, are plans for a 108-story Trump International Hotel in downtown Srinagar, along with 6 golf courses and 2 world-class ski resorts, spread around the scenic mountain state. The Trump organization will pay the Indian government 40% of the annual take, under a declining schedule that was not specified.

"We have done our homework and have thought through everything in the Indian context," a spokesman for the Trump organization brashly asserted.

"Look! 101 and 108 are your lucky numbers. See, we got that down. But we’re thinking big here. We will build out an Indian Mount Rushmore in the high Himalayas and carve out the rock faces of President Trump and Prime Minister Modi. Helicopter tours will take visitors out over the mountains and we plan to offer milk and honey libations—or AbbyShaker as you call it—of course at extra charge."

"We are targeting 15% of your famous TaroPatty temple’s annual take, in year five," he preened.

"What about security from Pakistani terrorists?" a member of the Indian entourage meekly asked. 

"Glad you asked," retorted the Trump frontman. 

"We will build a huge wall on the west. It’s actually very easy in Kashmir. You already have the mountains as natural barriers. All we need to do is plug the valleys in-between. We have the know-how and can reuse the designs from the Mexican border. Listen! If we can stop Mexicans, we can take Pakistanis with our eyes closed."

"You do know that we went in there a few years ago, right? We cleaned house and were out before they even woke up!" he added, with a smirk.

"What about the funds, sir?" a Modi man dared to interject. 

"We’re going to hit up the Saudis. They always owe us one. Besides they are going to have money streaming down their beards after that monster Aramco public listing. They won’t pay for the Wall though, given their close relationship with Pakistan.

But we’ve got a plan for that too. You guys agree to keep all of the 2 million Muslim refugees in Assam and we’ll work out a deal."

"Bangladesh will pay for the Wall."

Mystery Lifted Over Chancellor Merkel's Shaking Bout

Berlin, Germany—German doctors have finally lifted the veil over Chancellor Angela Merkel's shaking bouts observed over the past summer. On at least three public occasions Merkel was observed trembling uncontrollably, fueling speculation on her health and its impact on the future of Europe's largest economy. 

Now the mystery around her illness appears to have been solved. According to the latest issue of Der Spiegel, Merkel suffers from a rare form of anxiety that triggers involuntary reactions. Called onomatophobia, it is a morbid fear of specific words. 

An anonymous source apparently from the political establishment and close to the medical investigation has revealed that Merkel has an adverse reaction to the mention of one specific word—Trump. 

"Her reaction is quite extraordinary," the source stated. "A feeling of panic and terror drains the blood from her face and extremities resulting in uncontrolled shivering, often followed by retching."

Thankfully the fix has been easy. The article reports that doctors have fitted Merkel with a small in-ear processor that filters conversations by replacing 'Trump' with 'Arschloch', a mischievous reference to a body part that rarely sees the sun.

The magazine adds that this ailment is not new. 

"This is an old medical condition that is quite common, especially among politicians in India," observed Dr Lalitha Chowdhari, head of the Department of Psychiatry at the All India Institute of Medical Sciences in New Delhi.

"Mohammad Ali Jinnah, the father of Pakistan, in his later years used to have the same problem with the word 'Gandhi'. I'm told that he would choke uncontrollably on his pork sausage and require at least two pegs of imported Scotch to calm himself down.

We used to also observe this in most Tamil politicians whenever they heard 'Jayalalitha'," she added. 

"Unfortunately the uncontrollable body part in all these cases was the bladder and to make matters worse our Madrasi bhais are wearing dhoti only."

Trump Learned Hurricane Management from Kim Jong-un

Washington, Sep 2, 2019—In the wake of North Korea's repeated missile tests, President Trump gamely explained last week that Kim Jong-un "just likes testing missiles" and that concerns are clearly overblown. 

Yesterday, Trump advanced another explanation for the benign tests conducted by his trusted friend.

"I always said that the best way to tame a hurricane is to blow up a nuclear bomb inside of it," said Trump. "Well that's exactly what my good friend Kim tells me he's been doing for decades now. As a Pacific nation that is always under the threat of hurricanes, North Korea has to shoot first and ask questions later. That's why they have been shooting up all these missiles. It keeps them safe."

"And if you don't believe me you can check for yourself. The last time there was a hurricane in the Korean peninsula it was Grandpa Kim who was running the show and I hadn't even started to put the divorce proceedings on Ivana."

"Believe me... the nuclear option works. Americans have always known about this for a fact. Why do you think we conducted all those nuclear explosions on Bikini Atoll in the 1940s and 50s? It was to save that ungrateful south Pacific nation from many bad bad hurricanes. But then again you are never going to learn this from the fake news on CNN or the New York Times. They have missed the true climate science and only rant about fake climate science and global warming."

Meanwhile, this reporter has learned from an unnamed White House source that Trump had proposed the Pentagon send rockets in from the north to blast Hurricane Dorian into Cuba. 

"Let's even take it down to Venezuela, if we have any leftover," the President was reported to have said.