OK, so someone's got to ask this. Should President Biden have run?
Look! President Biden and I had one of the most successful presidencies. We achieved more in one term than most in two. We rescued the economy from what was handed to us by the Trump administration. We added 15 million jobs. We passed the Inflation Reduction Act with massive incentives for clean tech. We lowered drug prices for seniors. We capped the price of insulin at...
Madam Vice President! With all due respect, the campaign is over. Let me ask this again... should Biden have run?
Well, like I said, he was coming off the most successful presidency of recent times. But... with Trump coming back in, he was left with no choice... you see...
OK, ok, ok... stick it to me! He should not have run!
When did you first notice that President Biden had lost his marbles?
That’s no way to speak about a President, but...
OK, there was that time at a rally in California, when a small child handed President Biden a red lollipop. The President leaned down, took it affectionately from the l’il kid, peeled it open… but then stuck it in his ear. He recovered quickly and moved it around, into his mouth. Even the security detail looked the other way... which, of course, as you know, they should never ever do.
The Republicans, of course, immediately spun this completely… Believe it or not, they actually claimed that he moved it… to his other ear!
Did. Not. Happen.
So when exactly was this in the campaign?
This was right in the beginning of his Presidential campaign...
His first one. Back in 1988.
Did you make a mistake confusing the electorate whether you ran as a woman, a Black, or as an Indian American?
Look! I ran as the best candidate for the office of the President of the United States. Period. You see, I couldn't run as a woman because you can see… you could see… how they piled on—fast and high—onto Hillary. I couldn't run as a Black since Obama had put his signature on that card. So here I am… trying out the Indian American thing for a bit, but the money never came. One of my campaign consultants told me later that Prime Minister Modi is a huge Trump fan! Who’d have imagined!
But we were decisive and fired the consultant on the spot!
What is your message to the Indian American community?
Well, you reap what you sow! This is one of the richest communities in the US, yet they are the most tight-fisted. They don't exactly give! Less than 1% of my political contributions came from Indian Americans. I got more from downtown Oakland!
Listen! If you pay peanuts, you get Kash Patels!
OK, so you heard this from me: In ten years, not one of these guys will remain a Democrat!
You ran for President twice. Failed both times. There was one other person who was outright rejected in a Presidential race and later ran for Governor: Nixon! Look where that got us! Why should Americans place their bets on you once again as Governor or President, after two losing campaigns?
Now that's such a fuckin' loaded question!
But let me tell you this. We have elected a liar, a felon, a Putin lap-dog... a molestor-in-chief. Someone has to take over from the mess he is going to leave behind. I am the best person yet in the country. You probably don’t know your history… but Reagan was Governor of California before he became a two-time President.
Which brings me to my next question… If push came to shove, would you consider getting on a national ticket with Governor Newsom in 2028? … As his running mate?
Are you fuckin' outta of your mind! Who are you.. again? Breitbart News?
I have already served as Vice President in one of the most effective presidencies of all time. We were two percentage points from the Presidency, coming from behind, in under fifteen weeks.... never been done before! If that fateful Biden debate had been ten weeks earlier, or had Trump not been shot at by some loon goon, I would be at the White House hosting Zelensky—with a lot more American generosity—and inmates would be lining up in Guantanamo to ink tattoos on Trump’s ass.
Newsom is one of the most divisive Democrats. He drove his ex-wife Kimberly Guilfoyle so far to the right that even Trump first-born Don Jr. couldn’t handle it and sent her off to Greece.
But coming back to your point—No, I would not pick Newsom as my running mate!
Trump took the spot that many felt was rightfully yours. Both of you have spouses coming from non traditional backgrounds. In January, Melania was sitting—feet up!—on Airforce One getting her toe nails done by Bezos as he offered her a whopping documentary deal for $40 million to tell her story, while Doug Emhoff is back, hacking it at the law firm, to put bread on the table. Does this hurt?
That's it!! I want nothin' with your fuckin’ despicable news organization...
[stomping off...]