In a stunning press conference today where he invited western reporters, North Korean strongman Kim Jong-un admitted that he has been "wiretapping" Trump since the election campaign last year.
"You stupid Americans are constantly snooping on us, spending billions of dollars on satellite surveillance and joint military exercises with our idiot cousins from the south. Yet you are unable to predict the launch of any of our missile tests. We, on the other hand, know exactly what your President is going to do—before he does it. We have five Twitter accounts in our country now—two more than our intercontinental missiles."
"We have also developed a method that is simple and far more effective. We have special chemical nerve agents that make people do exactly what we want," he emphasized—pointing four stubby fingers back at himself.
"You saw us demonstrate the VX agent on my ungrateful brother last month in Malaysia," he bragged.
"We have also developed a TX and an LX. The first one makes a person wake up early in the morning and rush to Twitter. The second makes it impossible for him not to tell Lies. Our new version—as you Americans name these things—two-point-ohh, doesn't even worry about facts."
"Oh, I almost forgot the OX," he sniggered. "That makes a person blame Obama for everything. You may call this our new chemical warfare."
"One big issue was how to deliver it. We got the big idea after that video of Mr. Trump last November," he added. "We now have very beautiful British agents who carry soaked handkerchiefs with them."
"Hidden well—in the right places," he smirked, as he arced around the room.
"You may now understand the air quotes around 'wiretapping'! Hehe! Maybe they should have called it 'underwiretapping'," he grinned.
"We continue to expand our program and remain optimistic that this will work very well with most of your politicians."
"Are there any politicians that you would exempt?" CNN's Wolf Blitzer posed meekly.
"Yes, Sean Spicer. He does not need this," he retorted. "Oh, and before I forget—Chris Christie!"
"None of the girls will go near that guy!"
"You stupid Americans are constantly snooping on us, spending billions of dollars on satellite surveillance and joint military exercises with our idiot cousins from the south. Yet you are unable to predict the launch of any of our missile tests. We, on the other hand, know exactly what your President is going to do—before he does it. We have five Twitter accounts in our country now—two more than our intercontinental missiles."
"We have also developed a method that is simple and far more effective. We have special chemical nerve agents that make people do exactly what we want," he emphasized—pointing four stubby fingers back at himself.
"You saw us demonstrate the VX agent on my ungrateful brother last month in Malaysia," he bragged.
"We have also developed a TX and an LX. The first one makes a person wake up early in the morning and rush to Twitter. The second makes it impossible for him not to tell Lies. Our new version—as you Americans name these things—two-point-ohh, doesn't even worry about facts."
"Oh, I almost forgot the OX," he sniggered. "That makes a person blame Obama for everything. You may call this our new chemical warfare."
"One big issue was how to deliver it. We got the big idea after that video of Mr. Trump last November," he added. "We now have very beautiful British agents who carry soaked handkerchiefs with them."
"Hidden well—in the right places," he smirked, as he arced around the room.
"You may now understand the air quotes around 'wiretapping'! Hehe! Maybe they should have called it 'underwiretapping'," he grinned.
"We continue to expand our program and remain optimistic that this will work very well with most of your politicians."
"Are there any politicians that you would exempt?" CNN's Wolf Blitzer posed meekly.
"Yes, Sean Spicer. He does not need this," he retorted. "Oh, and before I forget—Chris Christie!"
"None of the girls will go near that guy!"
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