We managed to get an interview with Vivek Ramaswamy. He had just announced his run for Ohio Governor when we got to him.
OK, so someone's got to ask this? Why did you leave DOGE?
I was one of the founders of DOGE. In fact, I was the first to come up with the idea. Elon was on his phone when I first mentioned it and I now realize he was actually posting the idea—On X! Right then!—and claiming it for himself, even before I had finished talking.
In the best interests of our great country, I smiled and took it on the chin. But once we got started, I was actually given menial tasks like polishing Elon's shoes and combing his young son's hair. As you all know, I always speak my mind. So when I told Musk that his son had dreadful dandruff and earwax, he threw a sissy fit. Next thing I know, I'm out.
Do you think Musk's doing the right thing?
Well, that depends on what you mean by the word "right". As a matter of fact, it might be the only thing left!
[breaks into toothy bleached smile...]
You see! I haven't lost my touch!
Musk—a white guy who wasn't even born here—spent 275 million dollars on the Trump's Presidential campaign and is now the de-facto President. You—a brown guy born in the USA—spent 20 million on your own campaign that wimpily ended in a Trump derision: "a vote for Vivek is a wasted vote." You closed ranks quickly, but you didn't even get a cabinet position. Where did you go off the rails?
Now that is such a fuckin' loaded question. And you are race-baiting me! I ran because I thought I was the best candidate for the job. Look! 275 million dollars would have put even a baboon in the hot seat. Maybe Chris Christie too. Possibly even Kamala, for that matter.
Did you make a mistake running as a Hindu?
Yes! That was a huge mistake, I will have to admit. Look, this country is not ready for a Hindu President. Just ask Tulsi Gabbard! Maybe I should have run as Vikki Ramie Samuel. Very proper. Very biblical.
So why Governor of Ohio? You didn't even get Vance's vacated Senate seat?
Look! Ohio voted three times for President Trump. I had a lot to do with it. The United States knows now that we need businessmen in elected office—to slash, to fillet, and to clean. And that's exactly what Ohio will get with me. Watch me squeeze something yet from that 20 million dollars!
OK, now for a lighter one. Musk recently brandished a chainsaw to display his bloodcurdling enthusiasm for destroying bureaucracy? What tool would you have picked?
Shiva's trident! Got you there! My turn to bait you...
Seriously, as a constitutional lawyer with deep respect for the Second Amendment, I would have picked a semi-automatic AR-15.
If push came to shove, would you consider running as Nikki Haley's running mate in 2028?
What an inane question! Who are you guys.. again?
Look! Nimarata's goose is cooked. She represents a party that doesn't exist anymore. She was terrific at bearing her fangs at toothless tigers at the UN, while getting nothing done. The UN Headquarters is sitting on 20 acres of prime property in midtown Manhattan. For what? For some African tinpot despot to come and drool nonsense for hours, so we can fill a sprawling room and hire DEI Swahili translators?
In fact, President Trump should shut down the entire facility and hand the property over in a 100-year lease to the Trump Organization. I should have put this thought into President Trump's head, back in December...
Ah! Fuck me! That was a completely missed opportunity!
I could have added: "Mr President, Don Jr. could run this... outta the back of his hand!
Shit! I would now be chomping fat stuffed dates and slurping dark olives with MBS in the Arabian desert... while l'il Marco would be back in Florida, trying out men's shoes with hidden pumps.
But coming back to your point—No, I would not pick Nikki as my running mate!
What is your message to the Indian American community?
Who? Oh! You mean those highly intelligent morons who fail to tell which side the bread is buttered?
OK, so you heard this from me: In ten years, almost none of these guys will remain a Democrat. Those that still do will be sharing needles in San Francisco.
JD Vance took your spot on the ticket that many felt was rightfully yours. Both of you have Indian wives coming from traditional backgrounds. Today, Usha Vance can be found on Airforce Two, when she's not sitting—feet up!—on Airforce One, while Apoorva Ramaswamy is on diaper duty when she's not sweating it in the doctor's office. Does this hurt?
That's it!! Your fuckin' news organization is worse than the Associated Press... you will be banned from Ohio when I'm Governor!
[stomping off...]
