A Candid Interview with Kamala Harris

OK, so someone's got to ask this. Should President Biden have run?

Look! President Biden and I had one of the most successful presidencies. We achieved more in one term than most in two. We rescued the economy from what was handed to us by the Trump administration. We added 15 million jobs. We passed the Inflation Reduction Act with massive incentives for clean tech. We lowered drug prices for seniors. We capped the price of insulin at...

Madam Vice President! With all due respect, the campaign is over. Let me ask this again... should Biden have run?

Well, like I said, he was coming off the most successful presidency of recent times. But... with Trump coming back in, he was left with no choice... you see...

OK, ok, ok... stick it to me! He should not have run!

When did you first notice that President Biden had lost his marbles?

That’s no way to speak about a President, but... 

OK, there was that time at a rally in California, when a small child handed President Biden a red lollipop. The President leaned down, took it affectionately from the l’il kid, peeled it open… but then stuck it in his ear. He recovered quickly and moved it around, into his mouth. Even the security detail looked the other way... which, of course, as you know, they should never ever do. 

The Republicans, of course, immediately spun this completely… Believe it or not, they actually claimed that he moved it… to his other ear! 

Did. Not. Happen. 

So when exactly was this in the campaign?

This was right in the beginning of his Presidential campaign...

His first one. Back in 1988.

Did you make a mistake confusing the electorate whether you ran as a woman, a Black, or as an Indian American?

Look! I ran as the best candidate for the office of the President of the United States. Period. You see, I couldn't run as a woman because you can see… you could see… how they piled on—fast and high—onto Hillary. I couldn't run as a Black since Obama had put his signature on that card. So here I am… trying out the Indian American thing for a bit, but the money never came. One of my campaign consultants told me later that Prime Minister Modi is a huge Trump fan! Who’d have imagined! 

But we were decisive and fired the consultant on the spot!

What is your message to the Indian American community?

Well, you reap what you sow! This is one of the richest communities in the US, yet they are the most tight-fisted. They don't exactly give! Less than 1% of my political contributions came from Indian Americans. I got more from downtown Oakland!

Listen! If you pay peanuts, you get Kash Patels!

OK, so you heard this from me: In ten years, not one of these guys will remain a Democrat!

You ran for President twice. Failed both times. There was one other person who was outright rejected in a Presidential race and later ran for Governor: Nixon! Look where that got us! Why should Americans place their bets on you once again as Governor or President, after two losing campaigns?

Now that's such a fuckin' loaded question! 

But let me tell you this. We have elected a liar, a felon, a Putin lap-dog... a molestor-in-chief. Someone has to take over from the mess he is going to leave behind. I am the best person yet in the country. You probably don’t know your history… but Reagan was Governor of California before he became a two-time President. 

Which brings me to my next question… If push came to shove, would you consider getting on a national ticket with Governor Newsom in 2028? … As his running mate? 

Are you fuckin' outta of your mind! Who are you.. again? Breitbart News? 

I have already served as Vice President in one of the most effective presidencies of all time. We were two percentage points from the Presidency, coming from behind, in under fifteen weeks.... never been done before! If that fateful Biden debate had been ten weeks earlier, or had Trump not been shot at by some loon goon, I would be at the White House hosting Zelensky—with a lot more American generosity—and inmates would be lining up in Guantanamo to ink tattoos on Trump’s ass.

Newsom is one of the most divisive Democrats. He drove his ex-wife Kimberly Guilfoyle so far to the right that even Trump first-born Don Jr. couldn’t handle it and sent her off to Greece. 

But coming back to your point—No, I would not pick Newsom as my running mate!

Trump took the spot that many felt was rightfully yours. Both of you have spouses coming from non traditional backgrounds. In January, Melania was sitting—feet up!—on Airforce One getting her toe nails done by Bezos as he offered her a whopping documentary deal for $40 million to tell her story, while Doug Emhoff is back, hacking it at the law firm, to put bread on the table. Does this hurt?

That's it!! I want nothin' with your fuckin’ despicable news organization...

[stomping off...]

A Candid Interview with Vivek Ramaswamy

We managed to get an interview with Vivek Ramaswamy. He had just announced his run for Ohio Governor when we got to him.

OK, so someone's got to ask this? Why did you leave DOGE?

I was one of the founders of DOGE. In fact, I was the first to come up with the idea. Elon was on his phone when I first mentioned it and I now realize he was actually posting the idea—On X! Right then!—and claiming it for himself, even before I had finished talking. 

In the best interests of our great country, I smiled and took it on the chin. But once we got started, I was actually given menial tasks like polishing Elon's shoes and combing his young son's hair. As you all know, I always speak my mind. So when I told Musk that his son had dreadful dandruff and earwax, he threw a sissy fit. Next thing I know, I'm out.

Do you think Musk's doing the right thing?

Well, that depends on what you mean by the word "right". As a matter of fact, it might be the only thing left!

[breaks into toothy bleached smile...]

You see! I haven't lost my touch!

Musk—a white guy who wasn't even born here—spent 275 million dollars on the Trump's Presidential campaign and is now the de-facto President. You—a brown guy born in the USA—spent 20 million on your own campaign that wimpily ended in a Trump derision: "a vote for Vivek is a wasted vote." You closed ranks quickly, but you didn't even get a cabinet position. Where did you go off the rails?

Now that is such a fuckin' loaded question. And you are race-baiting me! I ran because I thought I was the best candidate for the job. Look! 275 million dollars would have put even a baboon in the hot seat. Maybe Chris Christie too. Possibly even Kamala, for that matter.

Did you make a mistake running as a Hindu?

Yes! That was a huge mistake, I will have to admit. Look, this country is not ready for a Hindu President. Just ask Tulsi Gabbard! Maybe I should have run as Vikki Ramie Samuel. Very proper. Very biblical. 

So why Governor of Ohio? You didn't even get Vance's vacated Senate seat?

Look! Ohio voted three times for President Trump. I had a lot to do with it. The United States knows now that we need businessmen in elected office—to slash, to fillet, and to clean. And that's exactly what Ohio will get with me. Watch me squeeze something yet from that 20 million dollars!

OK, now for a lighter one. Musk recently brandished a chainsaw to display his bloodcurdling enthusiasm for destroying bureaucracy? What tool would you have picked?

Shiva's trident! Got you there! My turn to bait you...

Seriously, as a constitutional lawyer with deep respect for the Second Amendment, I would have picked a semi-automatic AR-15.

If push came to shove, would you consider running as Nikki Haley's running mate in 2028?

What an inane question! Who are you guys.. again?

Look! Nimarata's goose is cooked. She represents a party that doesn't exist anymore. She was terrific at bearing her fangs at toothless tigers at the UN, while getting nothing done. The UN Headquarters is sitting on 20 acres of prime property in midtown Manhattan. For what? For some African tinpot despot to come and drool nonsense for hours, so we can fill a sprawling room and hire DEI Swahili translators? 

In fact, President Trump should shut down the entire facility and hand the property over in a 100-year lease to the Trump Organization. I should have put this thought into President Trump's head, back in December... 

Ah! Fuck me! That was a completely missed opportunity! 

I could have added: "Mr President, Don Jr. could run this... outta the back of his hand! 

Shit! I would now be chomping fat stuffed dates and slurping dark olives with MBS in the Arabian desert... while l'il Marco would be back in Florida, trying out men's shoes with hidden pumps.

But coming back to your point—No, I would not pick Nikki as my running mate!

What is your message to the Indian American community?

Who? Oh! You mean those highly intelligent morons who fail to tell which side the bread is buttered?

OK, so you heard this from me: In ten years, almost none of these guys will remain a Democrat. Those that still do will be sharing needles in San Francisco.

JD Vance took your spot on the ticket that many felt was rightfully yours. Both of you have Indian wives coming from traditional backgrounds. Today, Usha Vance can be found on Airforce Two, when she's not sitting—feet up!—on Airforce One, while Apoorva Ramaswamy is on diaper duty when she's not sweating it in the doctor's office. Does this hurt?

That's it!! Your fuckin' news organization is worse than the Associated Press... you will be banned from Ohio when I'm Governor!

[stomping off...]