Trump called JD over the weekend and we caught their one-sided conversation.
"JD, things aren’t looking too good. I’m watching the polls and the race is tight. We were hammering Sleepy Joe by twenty points... now we’re dead even. I know the Dems had to change a dead horse in the middle of the race, but now you’re pulling us down!
I picked you because I wanted a ruthless Bannon, an appealing Bannon... a much better-looking Bannon!
Kamala's playing the Black card. We gotta paint her Indian.
I pulled and posted a photo of her in a sari. Now everyone knows! You haven’t posted photos of your wife in a sari, have you? I saw your wedding photo in that long ethnic dress. You need to take 'em down.
Listen JD, now I got no problem with this stuff... But what's the average Joe-MAGA-six-pack going to think? Maybe they think you're wearing Muslim! Maybe worse... something Iranian? I know, I know.... it sounds crazy, but we're better off taking that all down. I'm sorry to say this, but even the photos of your mother-in-law in ethnic clothes need to go.
Also, yesterday Li'l Marco sent me a bunch of strange strange shit you’ve been saying about me over the years. How did this ever get past the vetting process! Did your Silicon Valley friends pull one on me and take all this stuff down?
And then you go apeshit over all this childless cat women stuff! On Fox!! What the fuck are you talking about JD? I DON'T FUCKIN’ GET IT!
And now—weird? They're calling us WEIRD!"
"But Mr. President, that means I got them to soften up! Weird is OK. It’s better than Bigots, Racists, Supremecists…"
[Trump flies into a rage.]
"You don’t get this, do you JD? What we want IS Crazy… we want Racist… we want Sexist! The MAGA crowd knows how to read these codes... especially when they come from the coastal elites.
What we don’t want is… WEIRD! Weird’s worse than fuckin’ STUPID… It’s like a billion times worse than calling your momma fat and ugly.
Honestly, I might have made a huge mistake with you here, JD!
Bigly! You know... Bannon was pushing hard for Marco?
[Calming himself…]
Look JD, let’s all take a deep deep breath here... You’re just getting started. We have less than one hundred days.
From here on, you stay...ON POINT! Don’t go on Fox and say stupid cat shit! Stick to staples! The talking points…
The rapist illegals are POURING in!
While dumb Kamala worries about BATHROOMS for trans people, we worry about JOBS for the forgotten people.
WE kill Iranian terrorists and military leaders. THEY go after defenseless babies!
Biden can’t even hold a pen anymore. He’s definitely not holding anything by himself in the bathroom. But don’t count on this corrupt White House to tell you that!
Kamala’s signing ALL the checks. They’re paying healthcare and retirement for the illegals… granting them citizenship as fast as they can, to get their votes. The national debt will double before their term ends.
And how about this one…
Indian is the New Black!
That’s a winner, right there!
Speaking of, you must have read about that crazy Indian wedding? This guy’s like Asia’s richest guy—let's say, the Trump of India! He personally invited me to the wedding and wanted to open up his penthouse for us, but I couldn't take up his lovely offer... Look! We will generate the largest crowds India has ever seen and I didn't think he'd be able to handle the security.
Ivanka badly wanted to go…
This guy spent, like, half a billion on his son’s wedding... But lemme just say this: I’ve no idea how he made his money, but he doesn’t know the art of the deal. He paid Beyoncé ten million green ones to perform at the wedding! Does he even know she’s struggling to bring in her next gig??
Meanwhile... I get Hulk Hogan and Kid Rock at the Trump Convention. FOR FREE! They’re raising money for ME! This is how fuckin’ stupid these rich Indians are!
JD, here’s how you can help. We need to go after the brown vote. The Indians are loaded! Jared tells me... even more than the Jews. We need their money AND their vote.
And guess what? THEY HATE TAXES, even more than rich white Wall Street jocks!
Go to the Valley and set up fund raisers! Dangle an Indian ambassadorship! A spot on the President's Science Council. I’m sure Musk and your buddy Thiel can get you in... in all the right places.
Coming to think of it, SCRATCH what I said before!
Let’s do saris. Your wife should be wearing a sari and we’ll let mom-in-law off the hook too. Have your in-laws pick some really expensive designer Indian clothes for Ivanka and Melania. Pick stuff that shows a bit of skin.
No one would have ever ever looked better in Indian robes!
Let's go get 'em, JD!"
