Trump Strikes Deal With Korean Strongman

Washington DC, September 8, 2017—Emboldened by the recent deal he cut with Senate Democrats on the debt ceiling, President Trump announced a new deal with yet another adversary, Kim Jong-Un.

"North Korean missiles will point at America no more," announced Trump. "Mr Kim has agreed to cut their ICBMs by half immediately. The remaining one will be turned 180 degrees and point at China. We will monitor with our satellites," he added.

"In any business negotiation, you gotta get to the bottom of the issues," he rumbled on.

"North Korea has [an] employment problem and Kim needs toys. So they have over a hundred thousand people working their nuclear program. It's their coal industry. I get it. These people need jobs. We're gonna give it to 'em.

Starting next month, we will employ ten thousand of these hard-working North Koreans to come over and put up the Wall. These guys have cut their teeth on underground concrete bunkers and—believe me—they will do a heckuva job. I doubt a possum will get across when they're done...

I've also spoken with Mexican President Nieto to pay the Koreans directly, against the dirt-cheap hourly rate I've cut. The North Koreans are short on food, so Nieto'll work in some avocados into the deal. The Trump Organization will waive all commissions. Trust me! It's going to work out good for everyone.

Once that awful storm clears back south, I will invite Kim to the US. He and his beautiful wife—I can't remember her name now, but she sure looks terrific—will get unlimited VIP access to all rides in Orlando, SeaWorld, and Universal Studios. We will arrange Xbox playdates with my kids Barron and Eric. Let 'em have at it... Kim's a great guy... he just needs to lose some weight. Give him his toys and nobody gets hurt."

"Yesterday... I worked across the aisle. Today, it's across the ocean," crowed Trump.

"You tell me! Would crooked Hillary ever have gotten this straight?"