Washington DC, August 8, 2017—Unidentified sources from the White House today leaked an employment contract template used for all cabinet positions. Our White House correspondent, Tellit Aziz, managed to grab this screenshot full:
TERM. The term of this employment contract will commence on [START DATE] (the "Start Date") and will be renewed weekly thereafter.
DUTIES. The Office of the President ("OOTP") shall hire Employee as [POSITION TITLE] (the "Title"). Employee should not construe any connection between Title and the role he will perform. Employee agrees to install the Twitter mobile device software (the "App") on his personal communication device and follow @realDonaldTrump. Employee agrees to do the same on every device of each member of his extended family, covering a minimum of three generations. Children under the age of three may be exempted. Once in cabinet role, Employee agrees to fire at least two other staff members within three months of Start Date. Employee may be asked to undertake light housekeeping tasks like swatting flies in the Oval Office or changing the bedpan in the Master Bedroom.
EQUIPMENT. Employee will be issued standard OOTP tactical weapons ("Back-stabber" and "Front-stabber"). Employee will also be issued a white robe with matching hood and torch. Within seven (7) days of expiration of Contract, Employee agrees to return all equipment, with worn parts replaced.
EXTRACURRICULARS. All employees must attend the daily 4pm physical session ("Bannon Yoga") conducted by Chief Strategist Steve Bannon. Within three months of Start Date, Employee must demonstrate proficiency in at least three Bannon Yoga positions, including the Twisted Self-Examiner.
APPLICABLE LAW. This Contract and the application of its terms are not governed or construed in accordance with the laws of any state of the Union. OOTP retains final jurisdiction on all matters.
